Before I get into what's on my mind let me give you a bit of an update. A couple of weeks after going to orientation at the birthing center we found out (effective April 1st) they will no longer except our insurance, so our cost would have doubled if not more. We discussed what that would mean. Being over an hour from our home, just for regular visits, gas would be a great financial burden. Then we had to consider that, if history repeats itself, this labor will be even shorter than my last (4 hours) as each one has gotten shorter. So, I would not want to labor at home for long. What if we ended up at the birthing center just to find out it was a false alarm. If it is near my due date and I am getting close we may want to think about getting a hotel room, so that adds to the expense. Not to mention if we have guests to worry about who want to be present for the birth. So in the end it just wasn't in our budget.
Josh got word from another soldier that they were able to get a referral from their Dr at the army hospital to see a midwife for a home birth. So, we started the process to move towards that. We switched my coverage so if things worked out right we would not have out of pocket costs. I made my first appointment which I was already not happy with because being 8 weeks I should be having my first visit real soon, but they are so busy they were not able to even get me in to fill out paper work for 4 weeks. After my paper work appointment, where I also had all my lab work done, I was able to make my first real appointment a couple weeks later (I was thought to be 14 weeks along by then).
Back tracking just a little bit when I called initially I was able to speak to a nurse to ask about my nausea, which was going on all day every day (a new experience for me), and I was having some pain near my right ovary. She scheduled me for a "viability scan". I walked in to the office the next day. They found a cyst on my ovary which apparently is normal and nothing to worry about. They checked on baby, found the little heart beat, and sent us home with a cute little picture of our bean. I was also prescribed some anti-nausea pills, which had no effect.
While we were there I ask what I would need to do to get a referral to have the birth I desire. The Dr. I saw had previously worked at a birthing center so I figured he was going to understand what I wanted. His reply was that they do not recommend it. He did mention they are installing birthing tubs at the hospital. Although I am only allowed to labor in the tubs. They are not for delivery, in his words, "it's too hard on my back". WHAT? I would have thought I would get the, there is a chance for infection or this or that can happen but no, his reasoning is because he thinks MY birth is about HIM! WRONG! I am sure it is not something they would promote but if a woman here and there wanted to deliver in the tub is it really going to effect your back all that much? Plus in all honesty you are not going to touch me while I am delivering! So there is no need to worry about your back. Feel free to stand and watch me deliver MY baby. sheesh! So, I left that appointment feeling discouraged but wasn't going to give up quite yet. I was still not educated on how things worked at the army hospital so I figured I would wait till my actual appointment and try to talk some sense into who I thought would be my permanent Dr. I was wrong...
I just read a story/blog on "Birth Rape" from BWF (birth without fear) I already hate my situation with feeling a lack of choice and not having a relationship with my provider (I won't know who will be at my delivery till I get there). reading it made me realize that this describes what it was about my hospital births I was not happy with and why I have a great fear going that route again this time. MaryJane's birth was... amazing! She saved the way I feel about child birth! I always thought that my experience with the boys was the way it was. I had no choices in the matter and Dr's knew best. What prompted my research before I was pregnant with MJ was a show on TLC about a birthing center in Florida. In my search I found a birthing center near by and that was it, I never had a second thought. I was doing this and doing it completely natural, the way mother nature intended. I desperately want the same experience with this birth.
These are my fears, If I don't know who will be on call the day I deliver (because I refuse to be induced) how are they going to know what I want in my labor, delivery, and recovery? Sure I could write up a birthing plan but will they really read it and will they follow my wishes? Will they tell me what they are going to do before they do it or am I going to be seen as an object or someone with an illness that needs treatment. I am starting to consider paying for a doula who will know exactly what I want because she will know ME. That way someone (besides my husband) can be there to make sure things are going according to plan. The last thing I want is to have to bark out orders while trying my best to relax.
These are some things I know I want, I do not want to be checked or touched in any way unless I ask them to. I will not be hooked up to any kind of machine, IV included. If I am hungry, expect that I will be eating. Do not offer me pitocin or an epidural or any other kind of labor inducing/pain reducing meds. I will push when I feel the urge. If I don't want to deliver on my back, with my feet in the air, with my butt hanging half way off on that little bed, I'm not going to. I am still not sure if I want to wear a hospital gown, if I choose not to that is my choice. I am not going to let anyone tell me what to do because it's "policy". Do not break my bag of water. I do NOT want an episiotomy, let me tear if I must. I will bring my baby out and onto my chest immediately! The cord will not be cut and the baby taken until I am ready to deliver the placenta. There will be no pulling or tugging to deliver the placenta in a rush. I do not want any of that goopy crap in my babies eyes, I don't have an STD so it is unnecessary. Absolutely no bottles, I will nurse my baby immediately. Absolutely nothing will be done with out my permission first!
Sadly a lot of these things have become the norm for Dr's. My number one rule will be don't tell me what to do and ask before you do anything. I want to feel good and confident in my birthing plan. I want to know not just hope they will do exactly as I wish with no pressure. And I just don't... I am still unsure where to go from here.
I had my first real appointment just over a week ago. They did another ultrasound and changed my due date by 4 days to September 15th. The cyst has gotten smaller but I am still experiencing pain. But everything seems to be going well. I was told again that they do not recommend me having a home birth, so I will not be getting the referral I hoped for.
I don't really have a plan from here. I need to call around and find a midwife that takes our ins and will possibly deliver my baby at home. If only I had a midwife/Dr I loved and that shared my views that I could get to know. I would feel a million times better! I may have to lower my coverage, which means there will be out of pocket costs but it will be worth it to avoid the stress and intervention I know I will have in my current situation. If I do not go that route and decide to stay at the hospital I need to look into a doula. Which I had never considered before now. Wish me luck!
Just as a side note.
Good news, we decided on a girl and a boy name! When the boy name was said out loud I cried. When the girl name was said out loud I got the chills and had a warm feeling around my heart. So, they just feel... right! :) Can't wait till the day comes and we get to say, "it's a boy!" or "it's a girl!". AND I can feel the baby move sometimes now! YAY!
Bad news, I had some bleeding yesterday. I have never had anything like this this far along (I'll be 15 weeks tomorrow). So I was a bit freaked out. I called and spoke to a nurse in L&D. The bleeding had stopped by then so she said to just take it easy. If I get any more bleeding along with cramping to go to the ER. So far so good! Also, we recently got official word that Josh will be deployed on and around my due date. So, more planning is in tow. Fingers crossed he get's leave! Just another thing to add to my stress of the unknown.
belly @ 13w 6d
