It wasn't but 3 days after he left when it became apparent I am the only one here responsible with 4 kids and one on the way. 2 of the kids had a Dr appointment that day. I walked out the door with the 3 youngest in tow to switch around car seats from the Excursion to the Veracruz about an hour before we needed to be there. Gage was just walking up the driveway, getting home from summer school.
Our doors lock from the outside but not from the inside. So you can walk out just fine but going back in... You get where I am going with this? When Gage tried to go inside to set his things down, yep, locked.
No one will admittedly say it was them who locked the door. They have been told many times not to mess with that lock! You can imagine my reaction. Not tears but I gave all of them a stern talking to! and just shut down. Like my brain seriously refused to work. I didn't know what to do! My phone was inside. The keys were inside. I had JUST locked the back door. We had things to do!
I saw that my next door neighbor was working in his garage so I walked over. I had never talked to him before so it was definitely awkward to ask to use his phone. He knew without me even saying what was going on. He must have been paying attention to the goings on leading up to Josh leaving. So he was more than willing to help! As soon as I had his phone in my hand, as I stood there staring at it, I realized I had no one to call... On any normal day I could call Josh and he'd come to the rescue. But obviously he can't and I didn't have anyone's number memorized that would do me any good. What now!? Either he could see my frustration or thought I was a total blonde because I couldn't even get my words out of my mouth. He offered to help try and find a way in. But of course with Josh gone I have double and triple checked all the windows and doors, making sure everything is locked. He went for a kitchen knife in his house to try and jimmy the door open. Apparently the latch points in the wrong direction for that to work cause the only thing he accomplished was cutting his hand. I felt so bad! I could tell it had to of been a pretty good cut with the amount of blood left in my garage. yikes!
So I suggested I look up my landlords info on the internet if he had wifi and a laptop I could use. He headed in to clean up and grab his mac. Which I have never used one before so that was a bit confusing. But thankfully I found their home phone #. All I had to do was call and pray they answer. I called the first time... straight to vm. CRAP! I searched around to see if I could find another number. During all of this I learned his name is Matt, He is ex military and now works as a plumber who's daughter is pregnant with their first grandchild, so they have been busy setting up a nursery and cleaning house to get ready for his/her arrival in December. Through all of their shifting things around he was not sure where his contacts were because he at some point had the cell phone numbers we were looking for. He was so extremely helpful!! What a nice guy! He was trying to think of any way he could to get me back in my house.
I decided to try the home phone one more time. It's ringing! Thank god it's ringing! Then she answered. Hallelujah! I explained that we were locked out and needed help. She replied with, I'm in the middle of a meeting and have no car... But she was going to find a car to borrow and run right over as soon as she could. OMG! THANK YOU!!! She got there shortly after and got us right in. She is also military and is a well seasoned wife and mother to this lifestyle. She was so sweet! I felt so bad! All I could do was hug her. She tried making me feel better by saying she's been there and everything always seems to go wrong right after they leave. I just hoped this was going to be the worst of it!
We got to the Dr appointment 25 minutes late but we got there. I called ahead and luckily they were able to fit us in still and I avoided paying the missed appointment fee.
That was a long day! And a wake up call to what I am going to have to endure. I didn't really prepare myself for this life. And I don't mean the Army life in general, I mean the whole deployment part. Everyone kept telling me it was going to be OK as if I was worried. To be honest I just didn't let myself think into it too far. It was beyond my control so I just shoved it aside. I am realizing now that maybe I should have prepared myself a bit more... We physically prepared the house, our finances, etc. but I never prepared my heart. Since then it seems a bit more difficult to keep the emotions at bay.
Something that has been bothering me for a while... I have been feeling like I don't have a single friend. I mean, I have friends! That isn't exactly what I meant. I'll try to explain... I have been living away from home for a year now. I try to be there for my friends as much as possible! But sometimes I have no choice but to miss out on significant events and it's hard to stomach! But when I start hearing of my closest friends important life events through FB I can't help but feel hurt. I used to be the one sometimes the first one they would call to share in the news. What happened? Josh has tried to prepare me for things like this for a long time. And maybe I haven't done my part either, I don't know. Living away is hard! That I do know. And it's something one can't fully understand until they live it!
Even though there are times the only place I want be is back in Utah with my family. Colorado is my home too. Sometimes I don't want to be anywhere but in my house with my kids and husband with nothing on the calendar. I have also made some great friends there. So many people willing to help out and keep me company. Friends that I hope will be friends for a lifetime, no matter the distance. One of the hardest parts of being in the military is how many people you have to meet just to see go. People I will be forever grateful for!! It's really amazing how close I can feel to these people after only knowing them for what seems like such a short time. But... still, I wouldn't expect to be the first person they call to chat about something personal. Not to say I wouldn't welcome it and love it! I'm just not sure if our friendship has quite gotten to the point (saying this with a few people in mind) where I wouldn't just feel nosey asking super personal questions like I would to my friends back home. And maybe that is my fault too. I don't want to overstep any boundaries.
It's always a challenge not to upset people when coming in town. Everyone wants me to make time to see them. And I still have to keep up with the kids, making sure they get time with everyone important to them, while working around everyone's schedule. Mostly I end up being with those who make the effort to call me and extend an invitation. Sometimes I will plan a get together somewhere so everyone has the opportunity to come see me. which doesn't always work out. It ends up proving something to me time and time again.
This being Josh and my first baby together as well as having to start all over after getting rid of everything baby. We are in need of some help to prepare. So my mom and mom in-law planed for a baby shower while I'm in town. Between 3 separate families and my friends they sent out somewhere around 70 invitations. So a lot of effort and $ was put into it, expecting a big crowd. When only a handful or two of those people came I couldn't help but feel heartbroken. It isn't about the shower, or the gifts, or even all the wasted effort and $ (which makes me feel horrible), it's that the majority of people didn't make me a priority. Not one person (besides my mom) from my end of the family came. I'm not saying this to barrage everyone who couldn't make it. For whatever the reason I get that life is busy!
When I got back to the house all I could think about was how glad I was I had my little (or maybe not so little) family. I wanted to kiss my kids and cuddle up to Josh and just go to bed. But I couldn't do either one... :( After having a long emotional evening of feeling quite insignificant I was finally able to get some sleep.
What I have realize now after some reflecting and why I brought this up, is that I do have some amazing friends and in-laws that I can count on! It's really made me feel important again after what had been lacking, as I mentioned before. Life is complicated. Mine might be a bit more so sometimes but sometimes I make it that way. We all need to just let things go. And I have decided to make more effort and just hope I'm not going to be the only one. And if things get busy and you don't hear from me for a while please forgive me and I will do the same. Thank you for being there for me when I need you!! You know who you are! <3 I know my emotions are going to rule me for the next few months at the very least. So hang in there with me! I'll need you! <3
33 wks
