Self Image

Something a lot of us women have a hard time with is having a positive outlook on our image. So I'm sure it's not a shocker to hear, loving myself on the exterior is a daily struggle.

I'm too chubby, too saggy, my face is lopsided, my teeth too big/crooked/yellow, my eyelashes too short, my nails too thin, my hair too fine/broken and not the right color, hair that grows in places I wish it wouldn't, my skin too dry/white, veins I wish I couldn't see, my not so slender ankles, too broad shoulders, mole ridden arms...

Wanting to save and plan for surgery to "fix" a few things yet wondering if it would just ruin them, me, in the end.

Then why is it that any time I build myself up and start not just loving but enjoying being me I tear myself down. I'll look in the mirror and a thought will float by; man I really like how my hair worked out today, my lips look amazing with this lip gloss, I can really see some definition in my arms, this shirt flatters my body, I feel good, I'm pretty...

I automatically back right up and start telling myself that I am a horrible person and I shouldn't be so full of myself. why? And I'm not. But I am. I hate me, yet I love me. But for some reason I won't allow myself to love in fear that I am being too vain. Which leads to an internal argument over who's right and who's wrong about how I should really be feeling. Moment ruined. Great, I hate myself again.

So I start looking for connections. Things I love for reason and not just for today.

When I look at my hands I see my mom's hands and I love my mom therefor I love my hands. <3 My eyes are wide and open like my grandpa's and I love my grandpa therefor I love my eyes. <3 When I smile I resemble people I get to see daily and others that I really miss and love therefor I love my smile. <3 My face has a shape that blends right in with aunts/cousins and I love my family therefor I love my shape. <3 When I scrutinize my naked body I see proof that I'm a mother and I love my children therefor I love my body. <3 Every scar a memory; childhood, motherhood, vacations, experiences, things that define me. And really that's what matters in the end. The person who you are. And I, I kinda like me... :)

My Worst Nightmare

It's been some time since I have shared anything with all of you. And I am sorry it has to be about something so sad and nothing any of us like to talk about, But something happened to me last night that I have been unable to shake. It's causing me some real anxiety. My nose is burning as my eyes swell with tears this very moment at just the thought of it.

Let me begin by explaining my state of mind lately.

Just over a week ago my family and I decided to go enjoy this beautiful Colorado weather in the mountains where we frequent before Josh headed out of state for some time. While we were out we ran into one of Josh's buddies in our troop, twice. Once on his way up the trail as we were on our descent. We stopped for a few seconds is all for a quick hello. He mentioned that he had been hiking around the area since earlier that morning. He had his ruck sack packed so full I think he could have been hauling me up that mountain, yet he didn't seem exhausted at all. He was happy and really enjoying himself. We parted with a smile and a wave and went our separate ways.
When we reached the bottom we decided to drive down the road a bit and try another trail I had never been on before. It was beautiful. Everyone just all around had a great time. We had to get back home to clean up for a dinner date we had with some friends though, so after not too much time we headed back. We piled in the car and made a last minute decision to take the scenic route home. On our way back up the mountain we again saw his friend walking down the side of the road heading down the canyon. We all waved.
Not long after arriving at our friends house that evening I read some horrible news that a hiker had been found dead right near where we had been. It was really getting to me all night. I just couldn't stop wondering if we were one of the last ones to see this man alive. Did we pass him on the trail? Who was he? At first there was some confusion on his age so my initial thought was not who it ended up being.
It wasn't until 2 days later when Josh was on a layover between flights when I heard. It was him... His friend. My heart just fell to my stomach. It just can't be. It's the hardest thing to understand. why!? tragedy struck and all of us are feeling it. The sudden nature of it all really makes you take a step back and realize how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. I mean these men sign there life away, willing to give it all fighting for their country. He wasn't deployed, or at a range, or in the field. He may have been preparing for future plans in his career but he was not intentionally put in harms way. There was no real reason for any of this.
He was a single man with no kids so no wife and children to console but I couldn't stop wondering how I would manage if that were Josh... He was the oldest son. My worst nightmare come true. When I pray to the lord above it's for protection of my greatest achievements. How could I cope... His poor mother. My heart just aches for all his family and friends. I have never seen so many men cry. He was an amazing person. Always looking for the best in everyone, helping where he could.
His passing has effected many many people. A lot of those people are carrying a heavy feeling of guilt. Myself included. What could I have done to change this? What if... what if we pulled the car over and asked him to join us that evening. Would he have?

Now after I gather myself again.

Last night wasn't much different than any other night. Paige and I headed off to bed together after the house was quiet. We co-sleep because it's easier on both of us. We get more and better sleep when we are together. She is waking around 5 am to nurse but besides that we sleep pretty soundly.
Let me first say though that I dream often. And they are very vivid dreams. They tend to mess with my state of mind when my sleep is interrupted. I've been known to do and say some crazy nonsensical things.
When I woke up around 2am something just felt off. I can't be sure what woke me but I think it was my MIL closing her door across the hall. The first thing I remember is hearing her coughing. I sat up and instinctively looked over to check on Paige. She had moved, which was strange because I usually wake up to that. But just in case before going to bed I put a pillow over the gap between my mattress and headboard as well as one on the edge of the bed where Josh would normally be laying. She rolled to her tummy and turned herself diagonal with half her head laying on the pillow. Her face was not obstructed and she was looking kind of up so her air flow wasn't a concern. With her crawling and pulling up on things I have been even less worried about her smothering herself and increasingly concerned of her crawling off the bed.
My initial reaction, and what I think all us mothers do no matter how many kids you have, was to watch her back and place my hand on her to make sure she was still breathing. She felt stiff and very still. It's hard to say how much time I allowed to pass. I exhaled, "no!" as I quickly grabbed her and flipped her over. She was like a rag doll. There was only a small amount of light coming in from the cracked door of the bathroom but she seemed pale and unresponsive. I started bouncing her, saying "OMG" over and over, louder and louder each time. I started pushing on her chest as my mind is racing wondering what I should do. Just as I was going to grab her and carry her to the floor in the light where I could get a better assessment and start giving her CPR she slowly turned her head and moved her arms. I have never sighed in relief quite like that before.
Did I just imagine all that? I mean, it happened! But was it what I thought it was? One thing is for sure, it has made me rethink her sleeping arrangements. I've realized how frivolous I am of the whole SIDS prevention thing. Although they say co-sleeping dramatically DEcreases the risk. She's been sleeping in her crib the past hour or so while I wrote this and I have been up to check on her at least 3 times now. I was paranoid before but now I'm terrified!
I don't know what to do. The 2 things she needs to sleep soundly is a blanket and me. She doesn't even nap well unless we are moving (driving around, going on a walk) or being held. She only sleeps in her crib on average about 30 minutes at a time. If we can manage a quiet house she might sleep for a couple hours in there. I am not sure what to do at this point. How can I prevent this from happening again.