Doula / L&D

I have spent the past week messaging Doulas who participate in a program called OSD (operation special delivery). What it is, they offer their services for free to wives of active duty service members who are deployed during the birth of their baby. fantastic, right!? It's really getting me excited about delivery knowing I will have someone there to help me accomplish my goals. I have one in particular I think will be a great match and seems ready to help in any way she can. And not because she feels obligated but because she truly wants to. :)

I had an OB appointment this morning and took the opportunity to really drill a midwife about how things work during labor and delivery. I didn't think of everything to ask at the time but I got some good answers from her that have put some of my worries at rest. She said typically they do not do episiotomies and they always delay cord clamping. She also said I would be able to reach down and pull my baby out and up to my chest myself if I request it. I will be able to deliver how ever I feel comfortable. so that was reassuring as far as actual delivery goes. I found out the midwife and Dr on call are there all day (12 hour shift) so I will be able to speak with them before hand and be sure I know that they know what I would like. By experience, I'm used to them calling the Dr when you are almost ready to push and they show up just in the nick of time if not too late. So that was comforting to know they are there ready to go, and involved during labor. Especially being I probably will not have ever met them previously.

The midwife told me to write my birth plan and bring it in at my 36 week appointment so we can go over it and be sure we agree on everything. The only thing I mentioned that may take some convincing is declining the goopy stuff they put in the babies eyes. It's apparently a state law. She said I will probably just have to sign a waver. Then when delivery time comes to bring in the agreed upon plan so everyone involved knows exactly what I expect. Assuming everyone involved reads it and abides by it.

After my appointment I went up to L&D and spoke to a nurse and had a tour. She seemed very sweet and the atmosphere of nurses everywhere laughing seemed nice. The rooms are very spacious and very non OR like. For some reason in my head I imagine me laying on this tiny bed in the middle of a huge white room with my feet in the air and all these light on me. Even though I know it's not the case. The rooms feel very welcoming and relaxing. So all my fears as far as setting goes are at ease. I do wish I could deliver and just go home to my own bed though... I'll have to stay for at least 24 hours after delivery. The nurse did mention I can't eat much during labor, as I expected, so I need to be sure I eat something before leaving home. They'll require me to be monitored for 20 minutes upon arrival. So that tells me get there sooner rather than later cause I can't sit for 20 minutes while in transition. If history repeats itself this labor won't take long. After the initial monitoring they'll allow me to move freely, shower, get in the tub (if they get them working properly), etc. They also have a birthing ball and a squat bar.

One of the doulas I have received emails from also gave my info to a woman who naturally delivered her baby at Evan's. Her story has reassured me that I will be just fine. Everyone took great care in making sure her wishes were met.

All in all I walked out of there feeling better about delivering there than when I walked in. Still not optimal, but I think I can make it work and it will still be a great experience. :)

Although... a doula I have been speaking to mentioned she will ask some midwives she has connections with to see if they can help me get the home birth I had hoped for. So we will see what comes out of that. I am trying to find the good and be happy with either direction. But in my heart I would love to be home with my family.

My next appointment is scheduled in 6 weeks. And I also have my 20+ week ultrasound on May 6th. So I plan to have a lot more figured out by then. Right now things seem really gray as far as deployment goes. Things keep changing and nothing is sure. Still hoping Josh will be here for the birth no matter what. But it is good to know I will have some support!! :) I will never be able to repay the person who takes time out of her schedule to be there for me when I need her! Doula's are great!!

Here's a belly pic from today 18w 4d

Birth Rape

Figured it's time for a blog when I go to FB and update my status just to realize it was way too painfully long. I just have too much to say I guess.

Before I get into what's on my mind let me give you a bit of an update. A couple of weeks after going to orientation at the birthing center we found out (effective April 1st) they will no longer except our insurance, so our cost would have doubled if not more. We discussed what that would mean. Being over an hour from our home, just for regular visits, gas would be a great financial burden. Then we had to consider that, if history repeats itself, this labor will be even shorter than my last (4 hours) as each one has gotten shorter. So, I would not want to labor at home for long. What if we ended up at the birthing center just to find out it was a false alarm. If it is near my due date and I am getting close we may want to think about getting a hotel room, so that adds to the expense. Not to mention if we have guests to worry about who want to be present for the birth. So in the end it just wasn't in our budget.

Josh got word from another soldier that they were able to get a referral from their Dr at the army hospital to see a midwife for a home birth. So, we started the process to move towards that. We switched my coverage so if things worked out right we would not have out of pocket costs. I made my first appointment which I was already not happy with because being 8 weeks I should be having my first visit real soon, but they are so busy they were not able to even get me in to fill out paper work for 4 weeks. After my paper work appointment, where I also had all my lab work done, I was able to make my first real appointment a couple weeks later (I was thought to be 14 weeks along by then).

Back tracking just a little bit when I called initially I was able to speak to a nurse to ask about my nausea, which was going on all day every day (a new experience for me), and I was having some pain near my right ovary. She scheduled me for a "viability scan". I walked in to the office the next day. They found a cyst on my ovary which apparently is normal and nothing to worry about. They checked on baby, found the little heart beat, and sent us home with a cute little picture of our bean. I was also prescribed some anti-nausea pills, which had no effect.



While we were there I ask what I would need to do to get a referral to have the birth I desire. The Dr. I saw had previously worked at a birthing center so I figured he was going to understand what I wanted. His reply was that they do not recommend it. He did mention they are installing birthing tubs at the hospital. Although I am only allowed to labor in the tubs. They are not for delivery, in his words, "it's too hard on my back". WHAT? I would have thought I would get the, there is a chance for infection or this or that can happen but no, his reasoning is because he thinks MY birth is about HIM! WRONG! I am sure it is not something they would promote but if a woman here and there wanted to deliver in the tub is it really going to effect your back all that much? Plus in all honesty you are not going to touch me while I am delivering! So there is no need to worry about your back. Feel free to stand and watch me deliver MY baby. sheesh! So, I left that appointment feeling discouraged but wasn't going to give up quite yet. I was still not educated on how things worked at the army hospital so I figured I would wait till my actual appointment and try to talk some sense into who I thought would be my permanent Dr. I was wrong...

I just read a story/blog on "Birth Rape" from BWF (birth without fear) I already hate my situation with feeling a lack of choice and not having a relationship with my provider (I won't know who will be at my delivery till I get there). reading it made me realize that this describes what it was about my hospital births I was not happy with and why I have a great fear going that route again this time. MaryJane's birth was... amazing! She saved the way I feel about child birth! I always thought that my experience with the boys was the way it was. I had no choices in the matter and Dr's knew best. What prompted my research before I was pregnant with MJ was a show on TLC about a birthing center in Florida. In my search I found a birthing center near by and that was it, I never had a second thought. I was doing this and doing it completely natural, the way mother nature intended. I desperately want the same experience with this birth.

These are my fears, If I don't know who will be on call the day I deliver (because I refuse to be induced) how are they going to know what I want in my labor, delivery, and recovery? Sure I could write up a birthing plan but will they really read it and will they follow my wishes? Will they tell me what they are going to do before they do it or am I going to be seen as an object or someone with an illness that needs treatment. I am starting to consider paying for a doula who will know exactly what I want because she will know ME. That way someone (besides my husband) can be there to make sure things are going according to plan. The last thing I want is to have to bark out orders while trying my best to relax.

These are some things I know I want, I do not want to be checked or touched in any way unless I ask them to. I will not be hooked up to any kind of machine, IV included. If I am hungry, expect that I will be eating. Do not offer me pitocin or an epidural or any other kind of labor inducing/pain reducing meds. I will push when I feel the urge. If I don't want to deliver on my back, with my feet in the air, with my butt hanging half way off on that little bed, I'm not going to. I am still not sure if I want to wear a hospital gown, if I choose not to that is my choice. I am not going to let anyone tell me what to do because it's "policy". Do not break my bag of water. I do NOT want an episiotomy, let me tear if I must. I will bring my baby out and onto my chest immediately! The cord will not be cut and the baby taken until I am ready to deliver the placenta. There will be no pulling or tugging to deliver the placenta in a rush. I do not want any of that goopy crap in my babies eyes, I don't have an STD so it is unnecessary. Absolutely no bottles, I will nurse my baby immediately. Absolutely nothing will be done with out my permission first!

Sadly a lot of these things have become the norm for Dr's. My number one rule will be don't tell me what to do and ask before you do anything. I want to feel good and confident in my birthing plan. I want to know not just hope they will do exactly as I wish with no pressure. And I just don't... I am still unsure where to go from here.

I had my first real appointment just over a week ago. They did another ultrasound and changed my due date by 4 days to September 15th. The cyst has gotten smaller but I am still experiencing pain. But everything seems to be going well. I was told again that they do not recommend me having a home birth, so I will not be getting the referral I hoped for.



I don't really have a plan from here. I need to call around and find a midwife that takes our ins and will possibly deliver my baby at home. If only I had a midwife/Dr I loved and that shared my views that I could get to know. I would feel a million times better! I may have to lower my coverage, which means there will be out of pocket costs but it will be worth it to avoid the stress and intervention I know I will have in my current situation. If I do not go that route and decide to stay at the hospital I need to look into a doula. Which I had never considered before now. Wish me luck!

Just as a side note.
Good news, we decided on a girl and a boy name! When the boy name was said out loud I cried. When the girl name was said out loud I got the chills and had a warm feeling around my heart. So, they just feel... right! :) Can't wait till the day comes and we get to say, "it's a boy!" or "it's a girl!". AND I can feel the baby move sometimes now! YAY!
Bad news, I had some bleeding yesterday. I have never had anything like this this far along (I'll be 15 weeks tomorrow). So I was a bit freaked out. I called and spoke to a nurse in L&D. The bleeding had stopped by then so she said to just take it easy. If I get any more bleeding along with cramping to go to the ER. So far so good! Also, we recently got official word that Josh will be deployed on and around my due date. So, more planning is in tow. Fingers crossed he get's leave! Just another thing to add to my stress of the unknown.


belly @ 13w 6d

Birthing Center

Orientation at the birthing center was last night. We are required to go if we want to schedule an appointment with one of the midwives. So, we drove the hour and 15 minutes it takes to get there.

The midwife covered all the ins and outs of the center. They don't want your first appointment being about the center, they want it to be about you and your health. So, she answered any questions we had and gave us a tour (along with another 20 or so couples). She was very nice, experienced and informative.

We took the kids, so that was interesting... Jackson was in a mood so keeping him quiet while she was talking was a task. Luckily I read most everything she was talking about on their web site so I wasn't missing much.

The tour was what I was really looking forward to. They had 3 birthing rooms ranging in size and style. They were very homey and had a relaxing feel to them. All come prepped with an aqua doula tub. The most interesting thing I am excited about is these slings they have hanging from the ceiling. I wish I had one of those when I had MJ! And they have their own little shop with herbs and oils that they recommend. The thing I probably disliked about it was the rooms seemed cramped and the center had a musty old smell to it. It would probably be a smell that would remind me of my child's birth forever (not a bad thing). Smells really trigger memories for me! It could be just that my sense of smell is in over drive as is always when I'm pregnant.

One thing we did learn about the runnings of the center is that there are 6 midwives that we would get to know over my pregnancy. And it would all depend on who is on call the day/night I go into labor as to who would be my delivering midwife. Josh and I am not too thrilled about that detail. The midwife speaking did mention that she is aware people will probablly have a favorite midwife but ultimatly their favorite will be who ever delivers their baby (OK, maybe true). BUT, what if we happen to really dislike one of the midwives and she was the one on call that day. Not something I will be too thrilled about showing up in labor to.

To be honest, right now I am having a hard time feeling things out. Part of it is hormones. I have not really been feeling like myself lately. Little things get on my nerves! I'm sick to my stomach, some foods and smells really turn me off, I'm tired, my boobs hurt and are already growing, I pee more than I ever have (even in past pregnancies), I'm bloated, and my RLS is acting up as always when I'm pregnant. I'm just very unmotivated. Working out and the demands of being a mommy and wife are the only things keeping me on my feet right now. Josh has been very helpful as always! :) We have both decided to eat better and keep the junk out of the house. There is no way I am letting myself go and giving in to my cravings (not that I've really had any, yet). I worked too hard to get back to where I am in my health! That got a little off topic but it all plays into my scattered brain.

I know how I want this birth to go from experience. But I am having the hardest time getting past the fact Josh might not be here when the time comes. So I will have to have a plan B (I can't drive myself and all the kids to the center). I am sure I can get my mom to come stay with me for a while but that puts added stress on her responsibilities at home. It would be wonderful if I could get her and my sister to come hang out regardless if Josh is here or not though!

So, there's the distance... That is a long drive, especially when my appointments get to be a week or days apart. So we will have to make sure gas can be afforded on top of the costs (if any) for the birth. Not to mention being in labor in a car for even 10 minutes is too long! We would have to consider the possibility of having to stay in a hotel if I am getting close to delivering. Each of my labors have been shorter. I was only in active labor with MJ for 4 hours. And I'd really prefer not to have a baby in the car. So as soon as I started to feel contractions I'd wanna leave. What if it wasn't quite time yet, I don't wanna have to turn around and go home to just come back later that night or the next day or 2. so, distance is our biggest concern right now. Plus driving in Denver is a nightmare! And I want Josh to know that I am OK if he is gone.

As I am writing this it has made me think into what I REALLY want in our whole birthing experience. And wondering how I could bring my stress level down and still do what is best for me and baby. I am going to look into speaking to a local midwife that would come to our home to do a home birth... I know people who are not as excited about non intervention birth as I am and they will protest, but right now my goal is to just get educated. I'm not deciding on anything just yet. I would never do anything that I am not completely comfortable with. A question one of the expecting mothers at the center asked last night was what the benefits are of having the baby in a place like the center as apposed to at home. She didn't have anything to say that made one better than the other besides the fact that the midwife would not have to travel along with all her supplies. Everything is already there in one place ready to go. If I were to deliver at home and a hospital were needed they are only 10 minutes away from our door to theirs. I am also very confident in my body and it's ability. I am well aware of the risks. But there is still a lot to learn.

Yes, We're Pregnant!!!

Feeling so extremely blessed to be expecting! And so quick too! I removed my birth control just about a month and a half ago. We officially got the clarification that I am in fact pregnant 2 days ago. Josh was ecstatic, I was in shock. The past few weeks I have been back and forth on whether or not I thought I was crazy that I was feeling symptoms. Then I didn't want to be disappointed if I wasn't so I had almost convinced myself I wasn't even when I knew I was almost positive I was after getting a very faint line on a test a week ago. So now I'm just working on believing it. ;) My due date will be around Sept 11th I believe.

I've already switched to the prenatal vitamins and finding out has motivated me to start going to the gym. After all, I can get in on post for free now (yay). We've already researched insurance coverage and I'm pretty sure we have decided where I am going to deliver if everything pans out as hoped. Orientation is next Friday.

Crazy to think I'm going to do this again. I'm so excited for the whole experience (I've been baby hungry for over a year now). But at the same time really nervous...

One worry I have is if whether or not Josh will get to be here through the pregnancy and be present for the birth. But that is life in the military. And if we waited till the "right time" that time would never come. Now seemed as good a time as any. Keeping our fingers crossed!

After I had MJ, like literally RIGHT after I had her. I said, "I am never doing that again!" Here I am... pregnant, talking about having the baby natural in a birthing center. I refuse if at all possible to stay in the hospital. I wouldn't say my experience with the boys births were horrible but they weren't great. I was happy to have my baby boy but there is a lot I would change! I was nervous to have MaryJane but I was going into unknown territory, even with already having 2 babies and all the research I did. Now that I know what to expect... I'm nervous. lol. Everything was so perfect with her birth it just hurt! But I think I'll be able to power through it even better this time! :)

I can't wait to see what cute little we can make!! :) We thought we would make it fun and have decided to not find out what we are having. It might be tempting at times but we both love surprises. It will make that moment even more magical! I would love it if I could give Josh a boy to pass on his name to but a girl would be just fine! :) You figure we already have 2 of each so what's the difference. The crappy part is I wasn't planning on having more kids so I've given away pretty much everything baby, so we will be starting over regardless. That goes for everything maternity as well.

The kids are all very curious as to how everything works. Especially Jack and MJ. We have been watching animated videos on how the baby grows and what it looks like at different stages. They have been requesting to see pictures of themselves as babies and what I looked like pregnant with each of them. They keep asking when the baby is going to come out. I'm thinking they will have the hardest time waiting. Especially not knowing if it's a girl or a boy. Gage and Jack want a boy, MJ wants a girl, Kensey just wants a baby. At first when we asked the kids how they would feel about having a baby Jackson said, "no way!" When I told them I thought I might be pregnant about a week ago Gage and MJ were excited but the look on Jackson's face was priceless. I wish I had it on video! He's always been excepting yet apposed to the idea. When I ask why he says I dunno. I asked him if he is afraid the baby will take away his attention and it seems as though that just might be it.

I've always wanted my kids really close together so that they could grow up together. Having a sister myself that is 13 years older than me I don't have many memories of her as a small child, then she was married and moved out before I was out of grade school. My 3 kids are all less than 2 years apart. MJ is lucky to have Kensey who is 9 months younger than her. This baby will be almost 4 years younger than our youngest and over 8 years younger than our oldest so it will be a bit different for me. But I'm beginning to understand why parents sometimes wait to have more kids. To see the excitement in the kids over a new baby is something I will never forget. Gage isn't quite old enough for us to benefit from a live in baby sitter ;) but I can already tell he will be so helpful. MJ and Kensey are such little mommies (MJ talks about carrying the baby around all the time). Jackson probably won't ever leave the baby alone talking to him/her in his little soft baby voice he does. I'm so excited to see all the kids together fighting over who gets to push the stroller. ;)

Josh is always having new experiences being he wasn't in my kids lives till MJ was almost 2 and not a full time parent till just 5 months ago. And Kensey moved when she was only 6 months old. But I gotta say how well he has done adjusting. He's a great parent and roll model! All the kids just love him to pieces! He's a natural! ;) I love him more every day. He's an amazing father and husband! This baby just ties our family together. Makes me feel so much more complete! <3