My Bucket List

Now that my 20's are behind me I have started really feeling the time passing by. It makes me think of all the things I wish I would have done. Then I realize, it's not too late! I see 40 yr olds in the best shape of their lives, sky diving grandmas, and successful mothers. I'm just getting to my prime, and I don't just mean sexually...

I am going to try and come up with 30 things (goals) I would like to do in my 30s. This is a list I have compiled over the past 8 months or so. I can't guarantee it's fluidity but here it is:

To start off right (and in pattern)

*30 random acts of kindness.

Large or small I am always passing up opportunities to do something nice for a stranger. Not because I don't want to! Life is busy, I'm always in a hurry it seems, or my introvert side comes out and the thought of bringing attention to myself or approaching a stranger is somewhat frightening. I am one who will take care of others before me, and I will suffer if it means someone else will gain from it. But the acts I am going to focus on are things like; pay for a strangers meal/groceries, give someone a ride, help a homeless pet, etc. Maybe I will keep a list of ideas just so I can have a constant reminder to make the extra effort. I think I will start by making homeless goody bags with things in it like toothpaste, snacks, dog food, socks, etc. and put them in my car so I have something to give when I pass someone in need.
Not to say I always pass up the opportunity to help out if it arises. For example, lately I am for some reason quite prone to being in the right place at the right time when it comes to people having car/motorcycle trouble and need a push.

Which brings me to my next 2 "to dos" on my list.

*Have conversations with people I don't know.

Come out of my shell. I can't say I don't work on this daily. I am capable of putting myself out there and I do on a regular basis. But for some reason approaching someone I don't know and simply introducing myself is tough for me. I am commonly mislabeled as "stuck up" because... I dunno, my lack of confidence and nerves makes me also unapproachable? I have considered going back to waitressing. And not just for some extra cash. When I worked as a waitress as a teen I had more confidence than ever in my life. It helped mold me into who I am today, but some of that has withered away as time passes. I'd like to regain some of that.

*Slow down, enjoy today.

This is more of a goal than something I can "do" but it's something I need to constantly remind myself of. I get so wrapped up in the "to dos" I forget to stop and breath. I need to get my priorities straight and allow my mind to stop worrying and start enjoying what life has to offer; my family, nature, love/affection, and everything that makes me smile. And a lot less time worrying about things I can't control, what tomorrow might bring. Maybe (just maybe) even take fewer pictures. As we played at the park yesterday I, as always, asked the kids to stop what they were doing so I could take a picture. Not that I am opposed to candid/action shots it's just hard to get a clear shot with a cell phone sometimes. Gage asked, "why do you always have to take pictures!?" I proceeded to tell him it was so he could see himself doing things at different points of his life and so we could all remember these times and asked if that was the way he really felt, if he really didn't want his picture taken. This kid is no different to the others, always asking to see old pictures of him or requesting I film him doing something, so it surprised me. Maybe I just don't need to take pictures quite so much.

As I type away Kensey proves my point, from the next room she's asking when I will be done so we can play some card games.
To be continued...

And to go against what I was just saying.

*buy a professional grade camera.

I do not intend to carry a huge camera everywhere we go. But I would love to have something that will take quality photos of my growing children on special occasions as well as fulfill my desires of taking up photography as a hobby. I want to take pictures of the sunset as if the viewer was actually there.

*take a photography/Photoshop class.

It wouldn't do much good to just take a bunch of pictures with a camera I don't really know how to use to its full potential or understand how to properly edit to make things pop. I want a work of art!

*be a better wife.

Josh and I have an amazing, loving relationship. Our past together as well as separate has built us up to be great communicators. We approach each other gently and honestly and never let things boil inside us. We are so in sync sometimes it's scary. He will say exactly what I am thinking. But those few times we do disagree we strive to be understanding of each other. We enjoy each other's company above all else. Our favorite things to do together is cook, experience the outdoors, work out, cuddle up on the couch at night after the kids have all gone to bed to watch our favorite show. Quite a while ago I read that it shows true love and affection when you are willing to give the last bite of your food. Sounds silly, but it proves that the other person and their desires will always come before your own. I have always made a point to let him finish off anything we share. It means I love you more than myself. And I always save the best for last. ;) When we first got together 4 years ago we discussed that if he puts me before himself and I put him before myself there will never be a reason to think selfishly because our needs will always be taken care of by the other. We both give 100%. nothing is mine and his, it's ours. I am truly the luckiest woman to have his love.

Some things I could work on are; Put my phone down. He deserves my full attention. I have always struggled with doing things like watching TV and talking on the phone at the same time. My friends that have known me for some time can contest to this. And ever since having kids I have trained my brain to block out noise. It keeps me sane. I am able to better focus on the thing directly in front of me. The fault here is I am not able to separate what is more important at times, and I am not referring to screaming children in pain. When I am playing a game, browsing the internet, reading, or texting on my phone it's hard to have a conversation with me. I'm already trying to do better in this area when Josh is looking for my full attention, whether it be a simple question, wanting to unwind after work, or discuss something at hand, I am more aware but I still need to do better.
I need to show more intimacy. A man can never have enough of it and mine is no exception. I heard of a challenge a happy couple suggested to another couple who was struggling. Have sex, be intimate (hold hands, kiss for at least 20 seconds, talk meaningfully) every day for 1 month. Sounds like a good way to start. We used to be big on PDA. Not sure what happened...? Just getting caught up in everyday life I guess, trying to keep the kids under control. It's something he really loves and I need to make a point on showing my love for him no matter where we are or what's going on.
I used to wake up early in the morning with him to drink a cup of coffee, just to get a few extra minutes with him. I have discovered Coffee makes me sick to my stomach, which is a bummer because Josh just might love Coffee more than me even. Not really, but it's up there! And sleep is something I thoroughly enjoy and quite frankly need, possibly more than any average person. But I know it would mean the world to him if I could just get up so he could give me a proper goodbye before leaving to work. A common question he asks is if I remember him hugging me goodbye that morning. Usually I can only faintly recall. It is something I love that he does and I should show him by returning the gesture.
Love letters. One thing he still holds against me is how little I wrote him letters when he first joined the Army. He's kept every one. The first 2 years of our new relationship was spent long distance. I made a point to write him letters just so he would get a nice surprise reminder that I love him. Since moving to Colorado to be with him there have been a couple of random occasions I left him a note on the mirror or in his car. I would like to show him I love him in more ways and more often.
Everyone should always strive to be a better partner, everyone.

Which in part leads me to...

*keep a clean(er) house.

I would love for Josh to come home each day to a stress free environment. He helps out where he can without complaint and never tells me what I should be doing more of or better. He's a tremendous help and support but I want more for him and my family. It also helps my sanity. I am hoping this will come as my children grow and can help out some. I think that's what I need to get serious about. I keep saying I'm going to make a chore chart for the kids but have yet to accomplish that. They are not the best at following direction and with after school activities and homework there isn't much time for anything else. I don't want to take every second of their free time. It's already slim to none right now. I've wanted to implement an allowance. They work really well for $. Gage does like to clean up dog poop and take the trash out and MJ will "do the dishes", not that anything actually gets done. I've tried making myself a chore chart. It's easier when certain things are assigned to certain days so I don't feel like I'm doing everything at once and the house stays clean. Really it's not so much the clean part it's the clutter and just excessive things. When we move this summer I do plan to purge a LOT of unused things. My list usually does its job for a couple of weeks then I get behind on 1 day and the whole thing comes crashing down. I get discouraged, things get out of control till someone wants to come over and I clean better and faster in those few minutes than I have all week. And the cycle continues till I get enough motivation to start all over. It gets exhausting, especially with so many people to clean up after. But that is the life of a house wife and I need to get it together.

*Be a better, more loving mother.

Sometimes I get stuck on rules and routine I forget to do the little things kids see as love. And I don't mean the I love yous, hugs and kisses, and holding hands, we do plenty of that. For example; my kids are always asking me to make them a lunch for school. I haven't always seen the logic in this when the school here provides them lunch at no cost. But this is one small gesture/expense that I think they would love for me to do for them. Even to add a little note in their lunch box saying something nice about them would be wonderful. Or MaryJane asks me to sing for her at night, and I do when she is feeling extra sad but on most nights I just brush it aside cause I don't like my singing or it's the end of a long day and all I want to do it relax on the couch with my husband who I haven't seen all day. It really shouldn't matter how I'm feeling, if she asks me to the answer should be yes. I have no real good reason not to. I love my children to the ends of this earth. Sometimes I think there is no way any other person could love another human being more. I must love my kids more than the average mother even. I would love to find little ways out of the ordinary to show them that every day. To bring more love and affection into our home, maybe (just maybe) they would show more love towards each other as well...

*Take better care of me.

Make a point to get clean and ready every day. Life as a SAHM gets busy. Always taking care of everyone and everything else but me. Sometimes a day of doing nothing is nice. But I think It would help myself worth if I made a point to designate an hour every day to myself and my hygiene and pampering needs. Not that I am saying I let myself go by any means. But I remember the days when I would die if I went a day without a shower or to be seen in public without makeup or to wear the same shirt more than once before being washed. Those days are long gone.

I have some habits I could do without. Like picking my fingers, toes, skin. There's a name for that and I think I am bordering a disorder. It sounds gross now that I'm reading it back to myself... This is something I am pretty sure, even if he doesn't say it, Josh is not a fan of. Old habits die hard.

*Run/bike/swim in a race.

Get back into shape. Not like I was when I was 18 because that me is long gone. Having children has changed me forever, but to find the new healthy fit mom me, and more importantly maintain it! I don't hate my body. I have proof of my biggest most beautiful accomplishments and I embrace the change. I do go back and forth on getting my belly button and boobs "fixed". It would only be for myself, which don't get me wrong is important, but Josh loves... no yearns, raptures, hankers for my body so I know I'm doing something right. Working out with Josh is fun and always brings on those natural endorphins. Makes me happier and creates more opportunity for intimacy.

But to be in shape for me means more than that. I want to run (and I mean run) a marathon or even better participate in a triathlon! It would be a huge accomplishment and I would feel a great deal of pride if I could train and complete something like that. I have not always enjoyed running, it is something I have grown to love. I am pretty sure by completing one race I would become an addict of sorts. I imagine it's a pretty awesome feeling!

*Learn to play the piano.

I attempted to learn music on a couple different occasions throughout my school years, but it never really stuck. I get the FACE and Every Good Boy Does Fine but I also understand there is much more to it than that. I enjoyed learning to play music on the piano and would practice for hours to learn a song but it was always taught to me by someone and memorized by heart. I would love to be able to pull out a sheet of music and know how to play it. You're never too old to learn new tricks, right. Josh has also shown an interest in doing this so it might be a fun thing for us to learn together and even teach our children if we get good enough at it.

*take a couples dance class.

This is something Josh is not too thrilled about I think. But I've noticed it is something that has come up here and there a few times throughout our 4 yrs so we may as well do it. It would make for an interesting date night!

*create a place of zen.

I love LOVE the outdoors. If I could build a house or let's call it a shelter of glass or something to resemble the outdoors I would be in heaven every day of my life! Now I do enjoy privacy and I am a fan of enclosed spaces, it makes me feel secure, but I dream of having an open living space. Even if I could have 1 room, like a sun room where I could look outside and see trees, rain, flowers, and wild animals in the warmer months and watch the snow glitter down from the sky in the colder ones (cause I really think you have not seen nature till you have seen it in every season, one reason I love Utah!). It relaxes me to be outside. I would love an area in my garden where it was cool and bright surrounded in vegetation and the sounds of nature. My dream location would be somewhere a little less populated, near the mountains, full of mature trees, where I could take a leisure walk along a creek, river, lake. I have come to realize I am just a happier person after spending time outdoors. I smile more and am more energetic. This is a must have for me.

*Go back to school.

I would love to be a professional of something and expand my mind. I made some poor decisions following high school. I passed up a full scholarship to Dixi College then I quit SLCC after only 1 semester of classes. If I had advice for any new high school graduate it would be to stay in school! Don't "take a break" because life will take you away and you'll be 30 before you know it! To think I could be working towards my MD by now. I can't say I regret any of my life decisions because that would indicate I regret what my life has become. Believe me I do NOT! I am unbelievably happy with where my life has taken me. To think how different it would be had I continued with my education from the start? There is no going back, we must move forward so regret has no place here.

Ultimately I would love to be a CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife) I love birth and everything about it! It is my passion. Hence is why I keep popping out those babies... LOL. No, but really I am not sure I will ever not be baby hungry. I am actually not a fan of being pregnant but there is something about birth that makes me giddy. It's this miraculous thing that results in something even more miraculous. And babies are my favorite of all my favorite things!

*adopt.

I have planned for this since I started planning. Like seriously something I have always dreamed of doing. I want to open my heart and my home to a child in need. Whether we decide it to be a baby, child, or young adult. Disabled, interracial, or siblings. Foster care or international. So many many kids that could use a family to support them through life. I wish more loving families would do this one thing. We could change the world!

*become debt free and have a fully funded emergency fund.

After years of the best intentions we have finally started the Dave Ramsey plan. We aren't too far off of debt free already but we are going to start, "living like no one else so later we can live like no one else". I hope to teach our children how to handle money so that when we die and leave them to our nest egg they will be responsible with how they handle it. I want them to have full successful lives. To give and save and spend with intent. It's nice when you tell your money what to do instead of it telling you what to do! I would love to change our family tree. Money is not everything! But it sure helps... ;)

*Travel to a place I have never been.

We love to travel! There are so many places on my list of places to see. But I think on the top of that list would be Europe. I want to see the places Josh lived and was born, where my family was raised, all the beautiful places you only see in pictures. I want to be there!
I would also love to see all that Utah has to offer. Moab WILL be happening ASAP. Crazy to think of all the places that have been right in my back yard that I have yet to visit. This list could really get extensive!

Something else I would love to do is take my children to Hawaii. Josh and I call this our special place. It is where we really fell in deep unconditional love. It's just so beautiful! I want my children to get a taste of paradise.

*Go on a cruise

Maybe for our 10 year anniversary. I would love to renew our vows and have a second honeymoon. Our first go was very small. I would love to make a bigger deal of our union and celebrate our success.
I don't even care where it takes us but Australia/New Zealand or Cozumel Mexico would be amazing!

*Make service a part of my (and my families) life.

A couple things I have kept in mind that I think would humble my children and hopefully instill some values are to give. I want to take the kids to volunteer at a soup kitchen or food bank. To see that what they have is not owed or handed to anyone. I also heard of a family that canceled Christmas. Not in the literal terms but the kids got no gifts from Santa/Mom/Dad. Instead they took what money they would have spent on them and helped out families in need. The children played a big part in the giving and actually enjoyed it and never felt cheated out of anything. They did other activities to spread Christmas cheer and not to say they got nothing, they still received gifts from other family members. But they focused more on giving than receiving. I really think this would be an amazing lesson!

*get THE tattoo.

I have been waiting a long time to get the tattoo I want. Pretty much the only tattoo I have ever wanted. I have 2 small ones that have great meaning but this one is something I have researched and planned for for years. I am waiting to finish having children first off because it will cover my entire side and I am unsure what a growing belly will do to it as well as it will symbolize my entire family so it needs to be whole. And I want to get down to the size I am happy with and able to maintain it so it can be accurate in size. I am so excited!

*take a diving/swimming class.

Something I always look at in awe is people who dive professionally. I want to be that person. Not to say it will be my profession but it would just be a super cool skill to have. I have always loved to swim but no one has ever really taught me anything outside the basic skills. As a kid in a pool a race or who can hold their breath the longest was always my #1 request. I want to be able to do a beautiful butterfly. Cliff diving has always been a thrill to me as well so to be able to know how to land after doing a cool trick without hurting myself would be a super bonus!

*get certified to scuba dive.

Snorkeling is amazing! What else could top that other than scuba diving!? There are so many cool things to see out there and I want to be a part of it. To be completely honest the big vast ocean scares the shit out of me... but I want to conquer my fears and swim with mantas, check out some caves, see a ship wreck.

*Find the love I used to have for reading.

I don't think I have completed an actual book since before MaryJane was born (nearly 6 years). I've picked up a few but never read completely cover to cover. I just haven't had a lot of time. And the time I do have I guess I've chosen to do other things like mess around on Facebook or watch The Price is Right. I've listened to books on audio, but there is something about turning a book's pages that I find relaxing. I am somewhat of a book snob and like to own what I read and prefer hard cover. Reading wasn't something I really enjoyed when going to school so maybe I am just trying to make up for lost time. I used to stay up all night reading a good book I just couldn't put down. I'm not saying that is what I am looking for because mama knows mama needs her sleep these days. But if I could set aside an hr a day, maybe after dropping the kids off at school while the baby has her morning nap to sit down and read that would be wonderful. I also believe reading makes you smarter. I speak and write better now that I have found joy in reading.

*Make a new friend.

I'm meeting new people all the time and have made some amazing friends over the years. I have, what I would consider close, friends all over the country. Who I know would open their home to me if I ever came to town. But with the pending move back home this year I would love to expand my network and find more people close by who I can depend on. I know a lot of people but in all honesty only a handful of those who I can depend on to make me a priority. Family is important and it's busy! But it's nice to have someone who would drop what they are doing and make arrangements if you needed them, large or small. And to go along with this I need to make a point and stop what I'm doing and pick up the phone. Something so small and simple can go a long way. I will make it a goal to contact old friends more often!

*learn another language.

In high school I attempted German. I have family who live there and I always thought it would be cool to be able to visit some day and have a conversation with them. I forgot most of it but still have a good feel for how it works so I think I could pick it up pretty quick. But I am starting to think Spanish is the way to go. There are so so many Spanish speaking cultures around these days it would be nice to be able to speak to them and know what they are saying. I am a big advocate for learning the language of the country you live in. But, it would be a great aspect to have in business relations.

*Get my concealed permit.

First I need to own my own gun and learn it and learn it well. I am huge on gun safety but also know a weapon can come in handy. I am an advocate for the right to carry a fire arm but I do believe stricter laws need to be put in place for how guns are being handled and kept. It needs to be in a locked safe when not in use and never loaded and charged ready to go unless you intend on using it. I just heard about a 2 yr old killing his mother in Walmart by shooting her with her own gun. Who puts their purse with their loaded and charged gun in it next to their toddler!? It just blows my mind how stupid people can be. Not to say there aren't accident but pros outweigh the cons. I'm starting to get into a heated discussion that not all may agree with so I will just leave it alone. But this is something and one of the first things on this list that I plan to do.

*sky dive.

Is my life worth the risk... I've been asked when bringing this up. I could say the same thing about going to the store in my car. We take risks every day. This is one risk that so happens to be very thrilling. I love the adrenalin. I'd like to experience the fall at least once.

*Drive a motorcycle.

This plays in part with my love for the outdoors. I love having nothing else in mind but going for a ride. I enjoy being a passenger so I imagine being the driver is even better. I've driven a scooter, which is really nothing like a motorcycle, but I figure if it's even close to being as fun I'm going to have a blast.

*flip a house/invest in real estate.

Josh and I have been discussing real estate a lot. We really need to get driven about this and move on it. There is a lot of money to be had, and I want some of it! We have talked about me going to realtor school and he will get an appraisers license so we can make some good deals and do a lot of our buy and sell in house. This is something still in the works as far as planning goes but it's something we both have a big desire to do.

*find a hobby I enjoy

I have always said I need a hobby. I have never had a "thing" that was mine that I could pour my whole heart into. I enjoy a lot of things but nothing that I keep up. This past year I have found a love for painting. I would love for this to become something to just fill some time. It allows me some me time. I don't want to paint to sell just for fun and for my own enjoyment. It isn't a huge investment either so I think this is definitely something I want to get involved in.


10 years is a long time but it will also go by very quickly. All of these things may or may not get accomplished. This is only meant to help me remember to take a moment and live, do something I love instead of just getting through the day. I am also open to change, so this list is not by any means binding. ;)

Rant

So disappointed in the kid's school this year! :( For starters, my request for specific teachers at last years end were ignored. Seems to have worked out though for the boys I guess. I do appreciate Jackson's teacher's efforts and communication. And Gage seems to really enjoy his teacher. But this is the first semester where they have not received any kind of award for academic growth. It makes me wonder... Are they just being more selective or are they not improving as they had been? Gage's fantastic special ed teacher from the past 2 years left so he has a new lady I hardly know, pretty much zero communication from her. I obviously need to be the one to initiate a conference or something.

I intended on being more involved this year and volunteering in the classroom so I could see a bit behind the scenes and help out. I went through the whole fingerprinting, background check, and attended the initial meeting and get together at the beginning of the year. I have never felt so alone, yet surrounded by people. I feel as though my children are judged and outcast-ed with the majority of that group, for whatever reason (I can speculate). So I have decided to remove myself and my children from that situation.

Before I get into what triggered this rant I want to mention how much I miss our old principal. She really knew how to run a school. I can't speak for how things were going on the inside with the staff, but at face value things just ran so much smoother than they do now. You really don't know how good you have it till it's gone! For example the pick up/drop off routine this year is horrible, like seriously pisses me off.

Now, MaryJane's situation is somewhat beyond the school's control. Just unfortunate. But I do believe the way it has been handled could have been greatly improved! I wish I would have requested a teacher for her to begin with but I chose not to because the 2 kinder teachers they had were both equally as great. Either one would have been wonderful. What I did not expect was that they would have so many new students enroll that they would need to hire a new teacher. Guess who MJ ended up with... I was willing to give her a chance though. She seemed nice, a little scatterbrained but I chalked it up to her being thrown into this job last minute and she would get it together. a couple months go by, MaryJane seemed to be really enjoying her class, homework was sent home regularly, things seemed great. Then everything just went downhill fast. MJ came home saying she had a substitute, not out of the ordinary. Then she started coming home every day that week saying she had another sub. I have no clue if it was the same sub or a different one every day but I can only assume it was at least a few different ones at this point. Then I get a letter from the school saying the teacher has abruptly left and will not be returning, they are working on finding a replacement but first needed to find a semi permanent sub for the time being. Now I can't even say exactly how long it has been but here we are in the 3rd semester and they just now found a new teacher. MaryJane got to meet her yesterday but then had yet another sub today because the teacher doesn't officially start till tomorrow. So we are going on... just a good guess, 7+ teachers in 4 months. I am unsure how much education she has actually received. She seemed to advance very quickly at first then everything came to a halt. No homework was being sent home, I began to really wonder and sent letters to school asking where her work was and still nothing.

Today I sent her to school in tears. She tried telling me she was sick this morning so she wouldn't have to go to school. What kindergartener hates school!? I am furious! I walked her to class this morning so I could talk to the sub about her hesitations. First thing I noticed was that they moved her classroom. The 3 kindergarten teachers were in 3 classrooms that were connected to one another in a line. When the 2 original teachers set up their classrooms at the end of last year they were not counting on a 3rd teacher so they had the center room set up as a shared classroom for centers and some combined learning activities. I am assuming when the new teacher came in they just stuck her where they had room so that middle room was now being used as a regular classroom. Well, apparently one of the teachers decided they liked that room better so when MJ's teacher left she took the opportunity to claim the room as her own and moved MaryJane's entire class to her old room. As if having your teacher abruptly leave and bouncing from sub to sub wasn't enough they had to put them in a whole new environment. I just don't get the logic in this. What a horrible idea!

The moment I walked in the door the sub exclaimed from across the room how great MaryJane is and how many good things she has heard about her from other teachers and staff. She said she is so helpful and more responsible than any other classmate and even her older brothers (yes, she actually said that, good to know my boys have a reputation of being irresponsible, but I'm not going to dwell on that cause I know just as well that they have attention issues and struggle with staying on task, it was just the fact that she actually said that after someone else felt like it needed to be told) Ok great, I am not complaining about how wonderful my daughter is and how much she has grown responsible. Even with everything going on she was noticed and received a citizenship award (proud mama!!). But when I began to explain to the sub that she was upset about having yet another teacher she brushed it off like it was no big deal. She claimed she heard she came in every day crying and upset and even swiped her hand in the air as to brush it aside. She was only interested in telling me how great she was (I am assuming this sub is the same one she had yesterday because she seemed to know MJ enough to speak from experience but kept mentioning what other teachers had told her). I don't doubt that MJ kinda moped in the morning because she was that way in preschool and she was very apprehensive on the first day of school. She is not one to jump right in. She likes to survey the situation and decide she wants to be a part of it before involving herself and feeling confident in her surroundings. But I know she does not go to class red faced in tears every day. If that were in fact the case, why haven't I heard of this!? When I drop her off out front she is almost always smiling. The boys walk her to class first before going to their own classrooms. I have heard how sweet they are with each other and even embrace before parting (I wish they were like that at home). At the very least I am sure Gage or Jackson would have mentioned that she goes to class crying every day. It just frustrated me that she would brush her anxiety of the situation aside like it were just a normal thing.

If all of this affects MaryJane in the future I am seriously going to flip out! I can just picture it now... The teacher is out sick and a sub shows up, tears! When will my teacher be back? Is she coming back at all? I'm just going to wrap myself in my safety net till I know what's happening and I feel confident in my surroundings again... She deserves a good education! Hopefully she is able to recover and thrive with this new teacher, who apparently MJ really seems to like from what she has told me. My heart is just breaking and on fire.

SO many changes have happened this year as far as the staff goes at the school. I used to LOVE this school! I looked forward to MJ starting her education here and continuing to watch the boys grow. It has become just mediocre at best. I am just so looking forward to moving back home. I really do love Colorado Springs and this house and I've made some pretty awesome friends here! But I'm excited to start over again and be able to plan for the future!

End rant...

Self Image

Something a lot of us women have a hard time with is having a positive outlook on our image. So I'm sure it's not a shocker to hear, loving myself on the exterior is a daily struggle.

I'm too chubby, too saggy, my face is lopsided, my teeth too big/crooked/yellow, my eyelashes too short, my nails too thin, my hair too fine/broken and not the right color, hair that grows in places I wish it wouldn't, my skin too dry/white, veins I wish I couldn't see, my not so slender ankles, too broad shoulders, mole ridden arms...

Wanting to save and plan for surgery to "fix" a few things yet wondering if it would just ruin them, me, in the end.

Then why is it that any time I build myself up and start not just loving but enjoying being me I tear myself down. I'll look in the mirror and a thought will float by; man I really like how my hair worked out today, my lips look amazing with this lip gloss, I can really see some definition in my arms, this shirt flatters my body, I feel good, I'm pretty...

I automatically back right up and start telling myself that I am a horrible person and I shouldn't be so full of myself. why? And I'm not. But I am. I hate me, yet I love me. But for some reason I won't allow myself to love in fear that I am being too vain. Which leads to an internal argument over who's right and who's wrong about how I should really be feeling. Moment ruined. Great, I hate myself again.

So I start looking for connections. Things I love for reason and not just for today.

When I look at my hands I see my mom's hands and I love my mom therefor I love my hands. <3 My eyes are wide and open like my grandpa's and I love my grandpa therefor I love my eyes. <3 When I smile I resemble people I get to see daily and others that I really miss and love therefor I love my smile. <3 My face has a shape that blends right in with aunts/cousins and I love my family therefor I love my shape. <3 When I scrutinize my naked body I see proof that I'm a mother and I love my children therefor I love my body. <3 Every scar a memory; childhood, motherhood, vacations, experiences, things that define me. And really that's what matters in the end. The person who you are. And I, I kinda like me... :)

My Worst Nightmare

It's been some time since I have shared anything with all of you. And I am sorry it has to be about something so sad and nothing any of us like to talk about, But something happened to me last night that I have been unable to shake. It's causing me some real anxiety. My nose is burning as my eyes swell with tears this very moment at just the thought of it.

Let me begin by explaining my state of mind lately.

Just over a week ago my family and I decided to go enjoy this beautiful Colorado weather in the mountains where we frequent before Josh headed out of state for some time. While we were out we ran into one of Josh's buddies in our troop, twice. Once on his way up the trail as we were on our descent. We stopped for a few seconds is all for a quick hello. He mentioned that he had been hiking around the area since earlier that morning. He had his ruck sack packed so full I think he could have been hauling me up that mountain, yet he didn't seem exhausted at all. He was happy and really enjoying himself. We parted with a smile and a wave and went our separate ways.
When we reached the bottom we decided to drive down the road a bit and try another trail I had never been on before. It was beautiful. Everyone just all around had a great time. We had to get back home to clean up for a dinner date we had with some friends though, so after not too much time we headed back. We piled in the car and made a last minute decision to take the scenic route home. On our way back up the mountain we again saw his friend walking down the side of the road heading down the canyon. We all waved.
Not long after arriving at our friends house that evening I read some horrible news that a hiker had been found dead right near where we had been. It was really getting to me all night. I just couldn't stop wondering if we were one of the last ones to see this man alive. Did we pass him on the trail? Who was he? At first there was some confusion on his age so my initial thought was not who it ended up being.
It wasn't until 2 days later when Josh was on a layover between flights when I heard. It was him... His friend. My heart just fell to my stomach. It just can't be. It's the hardest thing to understand. why!? tragedy struck and all of us are feeling it. The sudden nature of it all really makes you take a step back and realize how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. I mean these men sign there life away, willing to give it all fighting for their country. He wasn't deployed, or at a range, or in the field. He may have been preparing for future plans in his career but he was not intentionally put in harms way. There was no real reason for any of this.
He was a single man with no kids so no wife and children to console but I couldn't stop wondering how I would manage if that were Josh... He was the oldest son. My worst nightmare come true. When I pray to the lord above it's for protection of my greatest achievements. How could I cope... His poor mother. My heart just aches for all his family and friends. I have never seen so many men cry. He was an amazing person. Always looking for the best in everyone, helping where he could.
His passing has effected many many people. A lot of those people are carrying a heavy feeling of guilt. Myself included. What could I have done to change this? What if... what if we pulled the car over and asked him to join us that evening. Would he have?

Now after I gather myself again.

Last night wasn't much different than any other night. Paige and I headed off to bed together after the house was quiet. We co-sleep because it's easier on both of us. We get more and better sleep when we are together. She is waking around 5 am to nurse but besides that we sleep pretty soundly.
Let me first say though that I dream often. And they are very vivid dreams. They tend to mess with my state of mind when my sleep is interrupted. I've been known to do and say some crazy nonsensical things.
When I woke up around 2am something just felt off. I can't be sure what woke me but I think it was my MIL closing her door across the hall. The first thing I remember is hearing her coughing. I sat up and instinctively looked over to check on Paige. She had moved, which was strange because I usually wake up to that. But just in case before going to bed I put a pillow over the gap between my mattress and headboard as well as one on the edge of the bed where Josh would normally be laying. She rolled to her tummy and turned herself diagonal with half her head laying on the pillow. Her face was not obstructed and she was looking kind of up so her air flow wasn't a concern. With her crawling and pulling up on things I have been even less worried about her smothering herself and increasingly concerned of her crawling off the bed.
My initial reaction, and what I think all us mothers do no matter how many kids you have, was to watch her back and place my hand on her to make sure she was still breathing. She felt stiff and very still. It's hard to say how much time I allowed to pass. I exhaled, "no!" as I quickly grabbed her and flipped her over. She was like a rag doll. There was only a small amount of light coming in from the cracked door of the bathroom but she seemed pale and unresponsive. I started bouncing her, saying "OMG" over and over, louder and louder each time. I started pushing on her chest as my mind is racing wondering what I should do. Just as I was going to grab her and carry her to the floor in the light where I could get a better assessment and start giving her CPR she slowly turned her head and moved her arms. I have never sighed in relief quite like that before.
Did I just imagine all that? I mean, it happened! But was it what I thought it was? One thing is for sure, it has made me rethink her sleeping arrangements. I've realized how frivolous I am of the whole SIDS prevention thing. Although they say co-sleeping dramatically DEcreases the risk. She's been sleeping in her crib the past hour or so while I wrote this and I have been up to check on her at least 3 times now. I was paranoid before but now I'm terrified!
I don't know what to do. The 2 things she needs to sleep soundly is a blanket and me. She doesn't even nap well unless we are moving (driving around, going on a walk) or being held. She only sleeps in her crib on average about 30 minutes at a time. If we can manage a quiet house she might sleep for a couple hours in there. I am not sure what to do at this point. How can I prevent this from happening again.

He's Home

(full Story to come)

Hardman Homecoming 2 from Amy O'Neal on Vimeo.

Paige New Born (6 days old)

The Birth Story of Molly Paige Hardman

This is a detailed story about the birth of our baby girl Miss Molly Paige. She is the perfect addition to our blended family. She is Mom's 4th baby and Dad's 2nd but our first together. And we could not be more in love with our family!!

The night of Sept 18th contractions increased to every 20 minutes and started to feel like they were making some progress. It had been over a week since my contractions upgraded from Braxton hicks to what I would consider false labor. It made me anxious for things to get going. I have never gone into labor before my due date and this time I could have swore was going to be different. I was wrong... It was already a week past my LMP due date and 3 days after the Dr.'s estimate based on baby's growth (which I thought was a pretty good guess based off past pregnancies). So to go days past it I was starting to consider the possibility that I was going to be pregnant forever.

My mom and dad came to Colorado Springs from SLC, Utah to help get things set up and ready to go almost 3 weeks ago. So we are all getting a bit anxious at this point. My dad has already postponed his planned trip back home. He was supposed to start a training class that Monday. But we had some flooding in the basement due to heavy rain the previous week so he decided it best he stayed to help. And I am so glad he did! He made everything so much more manageable! I don't know what I would have done without both my mom and dad here to help! Most of all they helped keep me sane. Considering the situation I was and have been able to stay in high spirits.

My husband (Josh) has been deployed for over 2 months now. We have really missed him being home with us! The little life inside me has grown a lot since he last felt her kicks. There hasn't been a time I wished he were here with us more than now. I wish he could be here to comfort and support me in what's to come. He has been on stand by for days and is getting more and more anxious. We are lucky to have the technology available over seas that we do today. We will be able to Skype him in for the birth so in a sense he will be there. Because of our circumstances we are able to benefit from a program called Operation Special Delivery (OSD). I have been blessed to have met my doula (Emmy) through this program. It had to be fate for our names to be so similar. ;) Our first and middle are only spelled differently and our last names are off by 2 letters, imagine that! She is so sweet and willing to help. She has already driven 40 minutes each way on a couple occasions just to come and check on me and make sure we had a plan. All without asking for a single penny. I hope that some day I am able to return the favor in one way or another!

That night the rain had finally let up so I decided to head out after the kids went to bed and walk a bit around the neighborhood. For some reason walking changes the way my contractions feel, and not in the way you'd think. They will get closer together but they seem to weaken to the point where I am unsure if I am feeling a contraction or if the baby is just stretching. So after a few laps around the circle I came in to relax. Things seemed to slow down and became less predictable. I decided to head to bed and get what rest I could, I knew the time was near! I had very un-restful sleep. I was dreaming about having contractions or... wait, was that real? I am not sure how often contractions were waking me but it went on all night. I only fully came to once at 3am after a pretty strong one. But I was pretty tired and disoriented, I just went back to bed.

When my alarm went off that morning at 6am, Sept. 19th (Thursday), to get the kids up for school I continued on my normal routine. I got the kids up and fixed them breakfast. Then I sat down to relax while they ate and decided to start timing my contractions. They were about 10 minutes apart, give or take a minute or 2, so they still weren't what I considered consistent. But they were increasing in intensity and I had some bloody show so I went ahead and sent a text to my doula and photographer (Amy) to give the heads up, today is the day! :)

Emmy immediately sent a text back letting me know she was getting up and ready to go and was on her way. Amy let me know she was calling for the sitter (her husband) to head home so she would be ready to roll. Finally it's sinking in that this is really happening. I messaged Josh on Facebook like I do every morning. It was the end of his work day in Kuwait. I told him it's go time, so he headed to his designated spot they already had all set up for him so he could be alone to watch the birth. I decided to keep the kids home from school so there was one less thing to worry about. I continued timing my contractions. By the time Emmy got to the house it was 9am and nothing had changed, still 10 minutes apart. After sitting for a bit we decided to go for a walk. If anything it was just nice to have her as a walking buddy. We walked around the circle a couple of times. Right off I had a couple contractions that increased to every 5 minutes or so but were pretty weak. Then they seemed to stop. So we came back in and I sat/rocked/bounced on the birthing ball for a few and still more nothing. I sat a bit and did a couple things around the house like put in some laundry just to keep moving. It took a bit but things seemed to be kicking back in again. Being that walking seemed to get things going right off we decided to head out for a longer walk this time and seeing what happened. It was about 11:30am. It was a beautiful day! We went to the park and walked around the lake. I only wish we took some pictures. It was a nice walk and I felt amazing and happy. I was ready, no fear! :)

I have gone through stages of feeling prepared for the birth and others of nervousness of the unknown or worse, the known. Natural child birth hurts! That's a given, everyone knows that even if you haven't experienced it yourself. But I feel like because I have done it once already, knowing what's to come made me more nervous at times this pregnancy than I was with my last. I am a stubborn woman so I knew I was going to follow through with my plan for a natural, non intervention delivery. When I set to doing or feeling a certain way if I can help it, it happens. So that's just what I have had to do. I've convinced myself that I am not afraid. I am ready to feel the empowerment. It really does make you feel like super woman!

By the time we got back to the house my leg muscles were twitching from the workout and I had noticed on the walk that my body was starting to tremble a bit but nothing too bad. Contractions were really all over the place some 10 minutes one was 7 minutes and one was even 20 minutes before having another. So Emmy and I were not really convinced quite yet. We discussed her possibly heading out to grab a bite while I lay down and got some rest if things didn't pick up after a bit. I sat on the couch some more... I'm glad she didn't leave cause contractions seemed to be picking up. Amy was getting anxious and so was I so we decided she should head over. It was about 1pm when she got to the house. We chatted for a few, Amy made the suggestion that I go check myself and see what kind of progress I've made. I was dilated to a 3 when I went to the Dr's the Friday before. So I went to the restroom and came out a bit shocked to have felt the baby's head covered with the membrane. I was too nervous to even really find the edge of my cervix after feeling that. But it was enough clarification that this baby is coming! But it was lunch time so my parents made some sandwiches. (Don't you just love that I can go from talking about checking my cervix to eating, lol) It was my plan to make sure I ate before heading to the hospital because I knew they wouldn't let me when I got there and who knows how long I would be in labor but I for some reason didn't want to eat. I had some cereal for breakfast first thing in the morning but haven't had anything since so I should be hungry. Well, it wasn't long after that that I really started to tremble. It was my body basically going into shock. I didn't feel nervous or anything so we knew it was just that the time was near and my body knew it. After having 2 contractions about 5 minutes apart we decided it was go time and we were heading to the hospital.

We loaded all 8 of us in the excursion and off we went. I called the sitter (Judy) to let her know we were on our way. As well as the hospital so they would have my chart ready. We dropped off the kids and got to the hospital at about 3pm. At this point I started losing track of time. Things were happening fast. They walked us back and stuck us all in a waiting room. I think we were all getting a bit nervous about getting to a room in time, or at least I was. I was also concerned about getting Josh up and going on Skype before things really started to happen. I had been sending him updates through Facebook chat all morning but there was no cell service in the hospital so he was probably wondering what was going on. I knew I had to go through triage first and get the 20 minutes of monitoring before I could even go to the delivery room so I was anxious to get things rolling. I am not sure how long we ended up waiting but I am going to say about 20 minutes went by before we saw a nurse to take me to triage. It was a tiny room so they only allowed 1 person to go with me for now. Emmy and I walked across the hall, I was instructed to get changed into whatever I wanted to wear and she would be right back. Right back to her was not right back to Emmy and I. Contractions where really starting to get intense at this point. Emmy was about ready to go out and get someone when the nurse finally came back. She checked my cervix... I'm at a 6. I was surprised I wasn't farther than that cause I knew that this baby was coming and coming soon. At this point I was really starting to tremble, you could see my legs shaking under the sheet. It was getting harder to relax through the contractions. The nurse hooked me up to all the monitors, put in a hep lock, asked me a few questions and left the room. She was very sweet and understanding but I sure wish she would move faster! ;)

After finishing up in there we found out we came just in time because they only had 1 more delivery room available. We walked right across the hall to the first room and I went straight for the bathroom as I requested someone get the others and my computer so we could get Josh up on Skype. It had to of been about 4pm at this point. While in the bathroom I had 4 contractions one right on top of the other. I started wondering if I was going to make it out of there. When I came out the nurse had to ask me more questions to finish getting me admitted. It was extremely hard getting through all that and I could feel my patience waning. I had a couple contractions standing as Emmy used counter pressure on my hips. Then I sat down on the bed. Now things really get blurry. I remember the nurse mentioning she wanted me to get on the monitors again, My initial reaction was, you want me to what!? (yeah right), I really didn't want to! But Emmy started to blow up the birthing ball so I could sit on that next to the monitors in hopes it would be more comfortable than the bed. Sequence of events may not be accurate. But I started saying that I felt the urge to push. The nurse had left the room already so I am not sure who or if someone went out to get someone but I remember everyone coming in, rolling in a table of supplies, and kinda rushing around. The nurse checked me and clarified that I was ready to have a baby. Now this is the point where I had anticipated a bit of a panic moment for myself. I was nervous for the crowning part and the pain I might experience. One thing this experience has taught me is to never have expectations for birth, because no 2 will be exactly the same. Contractions where already worse than I had anticipated so getting the baby out was all I could think about. I was so out of it I had no fear of what was about to happen. All the while Josh is watching from the bedside table, my parents are on the other side in the chairs, Emmy is doing what she can to ensure I am comfortable, and Amy is all around with her equipment trying to get the best shots/angle. The midwife came in and introduced herself and asked how I would like to deliver. I had no clue! I just knew I was not moving. So sitting up in the bed it was. She started to prep the bed and herself. It felt better to push with the contraction just as my body was urging, so I did. first push and my water broke, no it exploded! I was quite shocked. Everyone tells me I had a classic look on my face as I exclaimed, "MY WATER BROKE!". After getting clarification that all was normal (as normal can be). Next contraction I pushed again, out popped the head, and it didn't even hurt! The midwife had just gotten her gloves on and flew across the room to help ease out baby. She kept saying don't push but I couldn't stop. The shoulders came out and I reached down, grabbed my baby and pulled her out and up onto my chest. WOW! that was amazing! It was 4:32 pm. I held her up to the computer so Dad could see and announce the gender. IT'S A GIRL! :) I glanced over at dad and could see him wiping tears.

If you have kept up with this blog you know that I have been stressing over the fact that I wouldn't know who my midwife was until I arrived at the hospital. I had anticipated having some time to discuss my desires with her upon my arrival. But with things happening so fast I hadn't spoken more than a couple sentences to her. One being, "I don't want the baby to get the prophylactic eye ointment!, State law or no state law!" And I asked her not to drop the bed down after telling her I had no plans as far as a birthing position goes. This is another thing I learned. I thought I would be able to decide what I wanted at the time it was needed based on how I felt. I was wrong. If it was not for my midwife reading my birth plan attached to my chart a lot of my desires would have been regrettably lost. I was in no state of mind to be making decisions/requests I was unsure of. I was a bit zoned out and having a hard time thinking about anything past the pain of the contractions. I honestly had no clue the baby was even out as far as she was when the midwife told me to reach down and grab my baby. I think my inner monolog was a bit chaotic there towards the end but everyone told me they had no idea. Apparently I hide pain rather well. ;) I could not have been happier with my experience! I can say the only thing I ended up getting due to "standard procedure" that I initially asked, not without argument, not to have was the Pitocin. Emmy was really on top of it, watching everything going on, she knew it wasn't something I had wanted. She pointed out what they were giving me and I just shrugged it off. Although I don't believe I ended up getting the full dose after I asked if I could take the IV out because the fluid was freezing cold. They knew I was not about to bleed to death as an earlier midwife had told me would happen if I didn't get it (eye roll). Not to say it is not sometimes necessary I just don't believe it should be administered to everyone. I only wanted them to wait and see if I really needed it.

After the midwife finished up the kids were invited in. We called Judy just as I started pushing so the kids would be there to meet their baby sister. I had tried to get Kensey to come for the time my parents were there so she could be there to welcome her first biological sibling but it didn't work out. We are missing her terribly! But the other 3 were so excited that Paige was finally here! Jack had told Judy that he would only like him/her if it was cute... I thought the boys might be a bit disappointed to see she was a girl as they had hoped for a boy. But they were all so happy! Jackson's first words were, "awww she's so cute!" It's a good thing. ;) Gage kinda stood back and just observed for a little bit, which is so like him, with all the commotion going on and cameras he's not one to draw attention to himself. MaryJane was interested but not willing to hold her quite yet. When she gets in emotional situations she tends to shut down a bit and won't talk much. Jackson was all over it! He was ooing and ahing, rubbing and kissing her head. All 3 of them had a look about their face. It was instant sibling love. When the baby was taken over to the warming table to be weighed and measured the kids followed. She was 7 pounds 15 ounces and 20 inches long. The kids watched the nurse do her foot prints and helped give her a bath before everyone got there turn to cuddle her. Gage was so excited to hold her. Then he was able to be the one to push her in her bassinet to the recovery room. He was feeling pretty cool! Then Jackson got his turn to hold her. MaryJane didn't want to hold her till we got home but since then she is always asking. She's such a huge help and a natural little mommy!

Recovery was painless and easy for baby and mom. I did have a 2nd degree tear that was repaired but I hardly noticed. The baby had pooped immediately after birth and about 3 more times after that before even going to the recovery room. So we knew things were working properly. She nursed only minutes after her arrival and has been going strong. All her scores where high, her color was pink and perfectly beautiful! <3 We went home the very next day. And I was happy for that. It was a bit lonely in the hospital. I had a few visitors (Kelly, Stephanie, and Misty) but I spent the majority of the time just miss Molly Paige and I. Josh and I had tried to Skype that morning (Colorado time) but there just wasn't a good enough connection to get any conversation in. He at least got to see a little of his baby girl though. :) My parents were taking care of the big kids and picking up the last few things we needed to bring the baby home. I missed the kids and a comfy bed. The day after her birth Josh had a flag flown at Camp Patriot in Kuwait in her honor. They had a ceremony, folded and presented the flag with a certificate. Representing the sacrifices Josh, Molly Paige and our family go through in this military life... <3 Could not be happier! My heart is over flowing!! <3

Molly Paige Hardman from Amy O'Neal on Vimeo.

Another concern I had leading up to the birth was post partum depression. With Josh being gone it was a big concern because I am used to having the baby blues so I knew it was a real possibility. I did my research and decided anything was worth a try to head off even the chance of feeling the way many women do after birth. If this is something you want to hear about, maybe would like to try, definitely get in touch with me! :) So many benefits! and it works!!