For my precious baby,
To start I want to tell you how your dad and I came to be. We grew up together from middle school on. When we were getting ready to graduate high school your dad decided it was a good time to finally tell me how much he has loved me, which happened to be about the same time he joined the service as a Cavalry Scout in the Army, a very brave and dangerous job to take on. I was working my first job as a waitress in a steakhouse. We spent a lot of time together the last few weeks before we graduated and he was sent away to basic training. After he left, the only contact we had was through a couple letters. After graduating basic he was able to come home for a while. I threw him a welcome home party and we were able to spend some time together in between family happenings. Then he was off to Germany to await his deployment. While he was there I sent him a video I made with his sister of the happenings of our teenage lives, but that was it. We had no contact through phone or a computer. A few months later he deployed to Iraq. While he was gone he got me a ring which he asked his mom to deliver, promising me we would be together. It wasn't long before some girls who thought they wanted to be with your dad or didn't want him to be with me got involved. Through their jealousy they started rumors which I got wind of. I wrote your dad a letter confronting him but I must not have been satisfied with his answer because I set to moving on. I still wore the ring and any man I met I mentioned him and my intent to see for sure where things where going. Your dad and I did not really truly know one another at this point. I only meant to give him a chance to prove himself. But with him being away with little to no contact made things near impossible. I moved on and married. I had 3 wonderful kids (your big brothers and oldest sister). Your dad was heartbroken but later the following year also married and had a beautiful daughter (your youngest big sister). Things don't always work out, or maybe they do... Your dad and I had not spoken to each other for nearly 8 years. Both of us had recently divorced or were in the process when we reconnected online. It was instant love as soon as we realized it was a possibility. Some things are just meant to be. <3
Your dad and I started mention of having a baby of our own early on in our relationship. I requested that we at least marry first, even though the wait would be difficult. We spent the first 2 years together living apart. Me in Utah him in Kentucky followed by Colorado, where we currently live. I wanted him to be there for you as best he could. We stuck to our plan but it didn't take long. you are a honeymoon baby. Conceived on an amazing snowmobiling trip in Park City, Utah.
Having another human being growing inside of you is one of the strangest yet most amazing things. Being a mom, your mom, is what I was made to do! This is what gives my life purpose and meaning. To be responsible for something so fragile as yourself right now is a privilege I could never replace.
How can anyone love someone SO MUCH before even meeting them? Being a parent is one feeling you just can't explain. My heart bursts with even the thought of gazing into your eyes. All of us can not wait to meet you!
I am asked a lot if I have a "feeling" if you are a boy or a girl, being we decided to wait to find out till you were born. I can't honestly say. At first I thought you would be a boy. Dad would get his little man and our family would be complete. When we figured out what your name would be, Owen James Hardman, I cried. It felt like I was being sent a message straight from heaven in the voice of my grandpa (James). Then one evening your dad and I were just enjoying each other's company and started throwing around girl names. The first time I heard your full name spoken aloud, Molly "Paige" Hardman, I got the chills. This name also just felt right. You will be called Paige, Molly is your Dad's grandma's name. Whether you are our handsome little boy or beautiful baby girl, we don't care. Naturally your brothers are hoping for a brother and your sisters are hoping for a sister but they really just want someone to play with. :)
You will be one lucky sibling! Gage is the most excited to feel you move in my belly. I know he will be a great big brother who will protect you at all cost. Jackson took a bit longer to warm up to the idea of Mommy having a baby. I think it was because he knows how much time you will be asking, or demanding, from me when you get here. He's a bit of a mommy's boy and not as willing to share my lap. But now that you have had time to grow and he sees the reality he is showing a lot of interest in the details of having "OUR" baby as we say. MaryJane was so excited to hear we were planning for a baby she didn't wait to go tell everyone before you even existed. She will be a good little mommy, bossy as she is I may not get any cuddle time with you. She's always talking about holding you and carrying you around. Kensey will get her first blood related sibling with you. That's something special. She knows we are having a baby but I am not sure the reality of that has sunk in at her age of 3. She is so willing to help out and I know you will just be the best of friends!
When I see you in my head I imagine chubby cheeks, a cute angled nose, a pointy little chin, bits of blonde hair, and big deep brown eyes. With perfect little fingers and the cutest baby feet I've ever kissed. I picture you laying your head on my chest and sleeping away hours to the beat of my heart.
Your birth will be full of tears of joy as well as tears of heartache. See, your daddy won't be able to be there. His job sometimes takes him away. He's fighting for all of us and must ensure not only your safety but all our family, friends and even strangers. What a wonderful sacrifice he and all of us make to ensure that. But even though he can't be there in person he will be there in heart. I know all he will be thinking about is YOU. He makes sure to talk to you as much as he can while you are growing inside me, so that when you do meet again you just might recognize his voice. The first time he will get to hold you and feel your warmth you will be about 2 months old. When all the new has wore off. But know that no matter how far, he loves you to the ends of the earth!
You are the perfect addition to our family. You will bring us all together like no one else could. The brother or sister and son or daughter to all. The thought of what that means completes me and brings added hope that this family will be closer forever. Being in a blended family is going to be hard and there are times you will wonder why your brother's and sister's get to go away for a while but you are always left at home with Mom and Dad. Just remember that each and every one of you are equal parts of this family and you are loved more than you know!!
I hope to teach you confidence, love, courage, dedication, and honesty. To be polite and respectful, an example. To make mistakes, and know when to say you're sorry. I do not expect perfection but I do expect every effort. you will never be alone in any journey.
With all my love,
Your Mommy
Monday, June 24, 2013
Is This Real? Are We Ready?
With the stresses of life and being as busy as it is with 4 kids and a husband in the military with all it entails, I have not gotten many chances to just sit and reflect on what life is going to be like with a new born. To truly connect with the life growing inside of me. I am still in disbelief I think to even imagine holding a tiny baby, OUR tiny baby! I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY!! CRAZY!
I am 28 weeks along, going into my third trimester, and the discomfort is getting greater and more apparent by day. Although I must admit, and it may be the gap between pregnancies allowing my body to recoup, things are going better than I had prepared myself for. Each of my previous pregnancies had gotten more painful with each one as far as joint pain goes. I always said if I had 1 more baby I swear my legs would just fall off at the hip! Fortunately I am still able to go on long walks (on occasion) and effectively deep clean the house, even if I feel the effects in my back for a couple days. The baby is very active and hard to miss these days! The kids have all been able to feel him/her moving. So I think it is just getting to be real for everyone.
We started a registry at Babies R Us, which has helped it sink in and gotten us real excited for the baby to get here! :) But it has also made me realize and worry about having everything we need and ready in time. See, I didn't think I would be here in my life again. I had prepared myself for moving on from my baby making years. Which was a hard thing to do because I was made for this! I got rid of basically everything aside from a pac n' play and the bassinet and crib my sister gave me from her babies. Leaving the gender up for surprise has proven even more difficult in this area. We are not able to be nearly as prepared as my nature tells me I need to be.
This life in the military, and it could be just that I'm getting older and maybe a bit wiser ;), has taught me that waiting for something isn't always all that bad, or really you just learn to deal with it. I have always had a hard time waiting for things to happen, to be prepared was a strong desire and necessary for my sanity. When I have a plan I want to execute that plan as soon as possible. Make that picture in my head a reality or it will just eat me alive till it was just right. I have learned to relax and be less strict on myself and more strict on our financial abilities. I'd have to say it is a huge step for me to say it's OK if we set up the nursery AFTER the baby gets here. Moms know with all the nesting hormones, to bring a baby home to an incomplete nursery and not having hardly a thing for him/her to wear would be a nightmare. But I'm ready for it. Although, I think this has also hindered in the whole process of making it all a reality. Why I am still in disbelief that I will have one more little life that I am responsible for. I need to see the evidence. ;) A baby shower is in the plans though and will be SO extremely helpful and appreciated!
To make things more stressful I will be doing this without my other half. :( We have officially gotten clarification that Josh will NOT be able to catch a plane home from deployment to be here for the birth. With my due date being right in the middle of his departure and return there is no way for a delayed or early flight. Luckily I have lots of support from my fellow military spouses, and willing family to make the trip to help out. My mom for one plans on staying for a while. She will be of great help and I am so happy to have her!! I have a doula coming to support me at the birth, and so that I can give everything I can to Josh to help him feel like he was a part of it I have hired a photographer to come document it all. We are counting on him being on Skype as well, although not the same I am grateful for that. But it will only happen if he can get to a computer capable of making the video call quickly enough. I have a feeling this labor/delivery will happen fairly quick. It will be a very emotional day!!
I have an ability to flip my emotional switch by command. Turning it off is a whole lot easier than turning it on though. And I am horrible at reactions, Josh hates it. I wont be that girl you see jumping up and down, screaming because of a gift and I won't be the wife running into my soldiers arms wrapping my legs around him upon his arrival. Not to say I don't feel anything at those times, I just don't let it show. And it's not that you are unable to touch my heart!! There is a difference. I am easily touched by kind words and gestures! There are a lot of things that I hold close to my heart that can get the tears streaming. So I don't want to make it sound like I am heartless. I'm trying to find the easiest way to explain this and why I bring it up... To show excitement and joy at something immediately in front of me takes more effort than just shutting down all distress. This is how I see my emotional state on birth day... I am set and determined to connect to my baby that day. I refuse to let the sad parts of that day get me down into PPD or a less severe baby blues. I realize it may be something I can not control but I am so afraid of being so absorbed in the he's not here, that I will overlook the things to be happy about. It makes me afraid I will shut down all emotion and that day will just fade away because I didn't allow myself to really experience it. So, I am just counting on being a mess. It's my goal to let all emotions flood into me. I will make this baby be my savior from the sadness and hope it's enough to make our bond that much stronger! Just writing this makes me tear up which I have not allowed myself to do since finding out he will not be there. Not to say I have not lost control since the subject of deployment has come up, but it has been more out of anger. Now it's acceptance and sadness.
I may not ever be completely ready, but that's OK.
I am 28 weeks along, going into my third trimester, and the discomfort is getting greater and more apparent by day. Although I must admit, and it may be the gap between pregnancies allowing my body to recoup, things are going better than I had prepared myself for. Each of my previous pregnancies had gotten more painful with each one as far as joint pain goes. I always said if I had 1 more baby I swear my legs would just fall off at the hip! Fortunately I am still able to go on long walks (on occasion) and effectively deep clean the house, even if I feel the effects in my back for a couple days. The baby is very active and hard to miss these days! The kids have all been able to feel him/her moving. So I think it is just getting to be real for everyone.
We started a registry at Babies R Us, which has helped it sink in and gotten us real excited for the baby to get here! :) But it has also made me realize and worry about having everything we need and ready in time. See, I didn't think I would be here in my life again. I had prepared myself for moving on from my baby making years. Which was a hard thing to do because I was made for this! I got rid of basically everything aside from a pac n' play and the bassinet and crib my sister gave me from her babies. Leaving the gender up for surprise has proven even more difficult in this area. We are not able to be nearly as prepared as my nature tells me I need to be.
This life in the military, and it could be just that I'm getting older and maybe a bit wiser ;), has taught me that waiting for something isn't always all that bad, or really you just learn to deal with it. I have always had a hard time waiting for things to happen, to be prepared was a strong desire and necessary for my sanity. When I have a plan I want to execute that plan as soon as possible. Make that picture in my head a reality or it will just eat me alive till it was just right. I have learned to relax and be less strict on myself and more strict on our financial abilities. I'd have to say it is a huge step for me to say it's OK if we set up the nursery AFTER the baby gets here. Moms know with all the nesting hormones, to bring a baby home to an incomplete nursery and not having hardly a thing for him/her to wear would be a nightmare. But I'm ready for it. Although, I think this has also hindered in the whole process of making it all a reality. Why I am still in disbelief that I will have one more little life that I am responsible for. I need to see the evidence. ;) A baby shower is in the plans though and will be SO extremely helpful and appreciated!
To make things more stressful I will be doing this without my other half. :( We have officially gotten clarification that Josh will NOT be able to catch a plane home from deployment to be here for the birth. With my due date being right in the middle of his departure and return there is no way for a delayed or early flight. Luckily I have lots of support from my fellow military spouses, and willing family to make the trip to help out. My mom for one plans on staying for a while. She will be of great help and I am so happy to have her!! I have a doula coming to support me at the birth, and so that I can give everything I can to Josh to help him feel like he was a part of it I have hired a photographer to come document it all. We are counting on him being on Skype as well, although not the same I am grateful for that. But it will only happen if he can get to a computer capable of making the video call quickly enough. I have a feeling this labor/delivery will happen fairly quick. It will be a very emotional day!!
I have an ability to flip my emotional switch by command. Turning it off is a whole lot easier than turning it on though. And I am horrible at reactions, Josh hates it. I wont be that girl you see jumping up and down, screaming because of a gift and I won't be the wife running into my soldiers arms wrapping my legs around him upon his arrival. Not to say I don't feel anything at those times, I just don't let it show. And it's not that you are unable to touch my heart!! There is a difference. I am easily touched by kind words and gestures! There are a lot of things that I hold close to my heart that can get the tears streaming. So I don't want to make it sound like I am heartless. I'm trying to find the easiest way to explain this and why I bring it up... To show excitement and joy at something immediately in front of me takes more effort than just shutting down all distress. This is how I see my emotional state on birth day... I am set and determined to connect to my baby that day. I refuse to let the sad parts of that day get me down into PPD or a less severe baby blues. I realize it may be something I can not control but I am so afraid of being so absorbed in the he's not here, that I will overlook the things to be happy about. It makes me afraid I will shut down all emotion and that day will just fade away because I didn't allow myself to really experience it. So, I am just counting on being a mess. It's my goal to let all emotions flood into me. I will make this baby be my savior from the sadness and hope it's enough to make our bond that much stronger! Just writing this makes me tear up which I have not allowed myself to do since finding out he will not be there. Not to say I have not lost control since the subject of deployment has come up, but it has been more out of anger. Now it's acceptance and sadness.
I may not ever be completely ready, but that's OK.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Ultrasound
This is the 20 week ultrasound we got back on May 6th. Just wanted to share :)
I always thought it funny to hear people say how cute the baby is in an ultrasound picture. But, I gotta say this baby is SO cute. His/Her little feet, lips and bone structure... perfect! ;) But we might be a bit partial.
I always thought it funny to hear people say how cute the baby is in an ultrasound picture. But, I gotta say this baby is SO cute. His/Her little feet, lips and bone structure... perfect! ;) But we might be a bit partial.
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