For my precious baby,
To start I want to tell you how your dad and I came to be. We grew up together from middle school on. When we were getting ready to graduate high school your dad decided it was a good time to finally tell me how much he has loved me, which happened to be about the same time he joined the service as a Cavalry Scout in the Army, a very brave and dangerous job to take on. I was working my first job as a waitress in a steakhouse. We spent a lot of time together the last few weeks before we graduated and he was sent away to basic training. After he left, the only contact we had was through a couple letters. After graduating basic he was able to come home for a while. I threw him a welcome home party and we were able to spend some time together in between family happenings. Then he was off to Germany to await his deployment. While he was there I sent him a video I made with his sister of the happenings of our teenage lives, but that was it. We had no contact through phone or a computer. A few months later he deployed to Iraq. While he was gone he got me a ring which he asked his mom to deliver, promising me we would be together. It wasn't long before some girls who thought they wanted to be with your dad or didn't want him to be with me got involved. Through their jealousy they started rumors which I got wind of. I wrote your dad a letter confronting him but I must not have been satisfied with his answer because I set to moving on. I still wore the ring and any man I met I mentioned him and my intent to see for sure where things where going. Your dad and I did not really truly know one another at this point. I only meant to give him a chance to prove himself. But with him being away with little to no contact made things near impossible. I moved on and married. I had 3 wonderful kids (your big brothers and oldest sister). Your dad was heartbroken but later the following year also married and had a beautiful daughter (your youngest big sister). Things don't always work out, or maybe they do... Your dad and I had not spoken to each other for nearly 8 years. Both of us had recently divorced or were in the process when we reconnected online. It was instant love as soon as we realized it was a possibility. Some things are just meant to be. <3
Your dad and I started mention of having a baby of our own early on in our relationship. I requested that we at least marry first, even though the wait would be difficult. We spent the first 2 years together living apart. Me in Utah him in Kentucky followed by Colorado, where we currently live. I wanted him to be there for you as best he could. We stuck to our plan but it didn't take long. you are a honeymoon baby. Conceived on an amazing snowmobiling trip in Park City, Utah.
Having another human being growing inside of you is one of the strangest yet most amazing things. Being a mom, your mom, is what I was made to do! This is what gives my life purpose and meaning. To be responsible for something so fragile as yourself right now is a privilege I could never replace.
How can anyone love someone SO MUCH before even meeting them? Being a parent is one feeling you just can't explain. My heart bursts with even the thought of gazing into your eyes. All of us can not wait to meet you!
I am asked a lot if I have a "feeling" if you are a boy or a girl, being we decided to wait to find out till you were born. I can't honestly say. At first I thought you would be a boy. Dad would get his little man and our family would be complete. When we figured out what your name would be, Owen James Hardman, I cried. It felt like I was being sent a message straight from heaven in the voice of my grandpa (James). Then one evening your dad and I were just enjoying each other's company and started throwing around girl names. The first time I heard your full name spoken aloud, Molly "Paige" Hardman, I got the chills. This name also just felt right. You will be called Paige, Molly is your Dad's grandma's name. Whether you are our handsome little boy or beautiful baby girl, we don't care. Naturally your brothers are hoping for a brother and your sisters are hoping for a sister but they really just want someone to play with. :)
You will be one lucky sibling! Gage is the most excited to feel you move in my belly. I know he will be a great big brother who will protect you at all cost. Jackson took a bit longer to warm up to the idea of Mommy having a baby. I think it was because he knows how much time you will be asking, or demanding, from me when you get here. He's a bit of a mommy's boy and not as willing to share my lap. But now that you have had time to grow and he sees the reality he is showing a lot of interest in the details of having "OUR" baby as we say. MaryJane was so excited to hear we were planning for a baby she didn't wait to go tell everyone before you even existed. She will be a good little mommy, bossy as she is I may not get any cuddle time with you. She's always talking about holding you and carrying you around. Kensey will get her first blood related sibling with you. That's something special. She knows we are having a baby but I am not sure the reality of that has sunk in at her age of 3. She is so willing to help out and I know you will just be the best of friends!
When I see you in my head I imagine chubby cheeks, a cute angled nose, a pointy little chin, bits of blonde hair, and big deep brown eyes. With perfect little fingers and the cutest baby feet I've ever kissed. I picture you laying your head on my chest and sleeping away hours to the beat of my heart.
Your birth will be full of tears of joy as well as tears of heartache. See, your daddy won't be able to be there. His job sometimes takes him away. He's fighting for all of us and must ensure not only your safety but all our family, friends and even strangers. What a wonderful sacrifice he and all of us make to ensure that. But even though he can't be there in person he will be there in heart. I know all he will be thinking about is YOU. He makes sure to talk to you as much as he can while you are growing inside me, so that when you do meet again you just might recognize his voice. The first time he will get to hold you and feel your warmth you will be about 2 months old. When all the new has wore off. But know that no matter how far, he loves you to the ends of the earth!
You are the perfect addition to our family. You will bring us all together like no one else could. The brother or sister and son or daughter to all. The thought of what that means completes me and brings added hope that this family will be closer forever. Being in a blended family is going to be hard and there are times you will wonder why your brother's and sister's get to go away for a while but you are always left at home with Mom and Dad. Just remember that each and every one of you are equal parts of this family and you are loved more than you know!!
I hope to teach you confidence, love, courage, dedication, and honesty. To be polite and respectful, an example. To make mistakes, and know when to say you're sorry. I do not expect perfection but I do expect every effort. you will never be alone in any journey.
With all my love,
Your Mommy
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