I am 28 weeks along, going into my third trimester, and the discomfort is getting greater and more apparent by day. Although I must admit, and it may be the gap between pregnancies allowing my body to recoup, things are going better than I had prepared myself for. Each of my previous pregnancies had gotten more painful with each one as far as joint pain goes. I always said if I had 1 more baby I swear my legs would just fall off at the hip! Fortunately I am still able to go on long walks (on occasion) and effectively deep clean the house, even if I feel the effects in my back for a couple days. The baby is very active and hard to miss these days! The kids have all been able to feel him/her moving. So I think it is just getting to be real for everyone.
We started a registry at Babies R Us, which has helped it sink in and gotten us real excited for the baby to get here! :) But it has also made me realize and worry about having everything we need and ready in time. See, I didn't think I would be here in my life again. I had prepared myself for moving on from my baby making years. Which was a hard thing to do because I was made for this! I got rid of basically everything aside from a pac n' play and the bassinet and crib my sister gave me from her babies. Leaving the gender up for surprise has proven even more difficult in this area. We are not able to be nearly as prepared as my nature tells me I need to be.
This life in the military, and it could be just that I'm getting older and maybe a bit wiser ;), has taught me that waiting for something isn't always all that bad, or really you just learn to deal with it. I have always had a hard time waiting for things to happen, to be prepared was a strong desire and necessary for my sanity. When I have a plan I want to execute that plan as soon as possible. Make that picture in my head a reality or it will just eat me alive till it was just right. I have learned to relax and be less strict on myself and more strict on our financial abilities. I'd have to say it is a huge step for me to say it's OK if we set up the nursery AFTER the baby gets here. Moms know with all the nesting hormones, to bring a baby home to an incomplete nursery and not having hardly a thing for him/her to wear would be a nightmare. But I'm ready for it. Although, I think this has also hindered in the whole process of making it all a reality. Why I am still in disbelief that I will have one more little life that I am responsible for. I need to see the evidence. ;) A baby shower is in the plans though and will be SO extremely helpful and appreciated!
To make things more stressful I will be doing this without my other half. :( We have officially gotten clarification that Josh will NOT be able to catch a plane home from deployment to be here for the birth. With my due date being right in the middle of his departure and return there is no way for a delayed or early flight. Luckily I have lots of support from my fellow military spouses, and willing family to make the trip to help out. My mom for one plans on staying for a while. She will be of great help and I am so happy to have her!! I have a doula coming to support me at the birth, and so that I can give everything I can to Josh to help him feel like he was a part of it I have hired a photographer to come document it all. We are counting on him being on Skype as well, although not the same I am grateful for that. But it will only happen if he can get to a computer capable of making the video call quickly enough. I have a feeling this labor/delivery will happen fairly quick. It will be a very emotional day!!
I have an ability to flip my emotional switch by command. Turning it off is a whole lot easier than turning it on though. And I am horrible at reactions, Josh hates it. I wont be that girl you see jumping up and down, screaming because of a gift and I won't be the wife running into my soldiers arms wrapping my legs around him upon his arrival. Not to say I don't feel anything at those times, I just don't let it show. And it's not that you are unable to touch my heart!! There is a difference. I am easily touched by kind words and gestures! There are a lot of things that I hold close to my heart that can get the tears streaming. So I don't want to make it sound like I am heartless. I'm trying to find the easiest way to explain this and why I bring it up... To show excitement and joy at something immediately in front of me takes more effort than just shutting down all distress. This is how I see my emotional state on birth day... I am set and determined to connect to my baby that day. I refuse to let the sad parts of that day get me down into PPD or a less severe baby blues. I realize it may be something I can not control but I am so afraid of being so absorbed in the he's not here, that I will overlook the things to be happy about. It makes me afraid I will shut down all emotion and that day will just fade away because I didn't allow myself to really experience it. So, I am just counting on being a mess. It's my goal to let all emotions flood into me. I will make this baby be my savior from the sadness and hope it's enough to make our bond that much stronger! Just writing this makes me tear up which I have not allowed myself to do since finding out he will not be there. Not to say I have not lost control since the subject of deployment has come up, but it has been more out of anger. Now it's acceptance and sadness.
I may not ever be completely ready, but that's OK.
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