Our baby is due this September the 15th. This is Mom's 4th baby. Delivery has always been quick and uneventful, so we are not anticipating any problems. Please respect the following wishes during this birth. And THANK YOU for all that you do and taking the time to read this!
*Allergic to latex
Labor Goals
•Dad will not be present, We ask that Skype be available as soon as possible and for the entire duration of labor, delivery, and recovery.
•I plan to have present at the birth/labor: Midwife, My Mother, Doula-Emmy, and Photographer-Amy
•I ask that only the necessary nursing staff be present throughout my labor and delivery (i.e., no residents, medical students, or other hospital personnel). All unnecessary staff should be turned away until we have had time alone with the baby.
•I am going to have a natural, un-medicated labor/delivery. Please do not offer chemical pain relief. I plan to handle pain with relaxation, visualization, massage and water (shower or tub).
•I prefer not to have an IV or catheter unless determined to be required for another procedure to facilitate delivery.
•I request that the least restricting versions of procedures be used (i.e. intermittent external monitoring). I do not wish to be tied to the bed by monitors. I wish to move freely about the room and change positions frequently.
•I request that no cervix checks be made without my request unless completely necessary.
•I request that my bag of water be allowed to break on its own unless otherwise requested by myself.
•I request that I be allowed to labor naturally. If labor stalls do not offer any medical inducing drugs unless determined to be an emergency. Instead I will try walking, nipple stimulation, and massage. I would prefer to go home and wait it out if necessary.
•I would like to eat if I wish.
Birth/Delivery Goals
•I request that the least invasive versions of procedures be used (no vacuum or forceps).
•If available I would like to view the birth using a mirror if my position permits it.
•I would like to push instinctively at my own pace.
•I do not want an episiotomy. I would first like to try perineal massage, support and warm compresses. If all else fails I would prefer to tear.
•I prefer things to be as hands off as possible.
•I wish to deliver in the position I find most comfortable and effective (i.e. side laying, hands and knees, squatting), no stirrups. Please do not drop the bed down unless completely necessary.
•I would like to reach down to deliver and pull my baby to my chest if my state and position permits it.
•Please keep the commotion over baby to a minimum unless distress is observed.
•We do not know the gender of the baby. We would like for Dad to be the first to see and announce the gender over Skype.
•I would like the cord clamping to be delayed until it stops pulsing.
•I do not want to be rushed to deliver the placenta. Do not tug on the cord or do any kind of uterus sweeping.
•I do not wish to get oxytocin (Pitocin) after delivery unless it's later deemed as necessary.
C-section Goals
(Only to be considered in an emergency, with a clear medical reason that natural birth is impossible.)
•I wish to stay awake for the entire procedure.
•I wish for my mother and photographer to be allowed in the operating room.
•I would like Skype to be available so that Dad can still be present and able to announce baby's gender.
•I would like the screen to be lowered a bit so I can see my baby being delivered
•I wish for the baby to be given to my Mother as soon as possible
•I would like to breastfeed as soon as possible.
Newborn Care Goals
•I do not consent to the baby being given the prophylactic eye ointment.
•I would like to give the baby his/her first bath.
•Do not attempt to offer the baby a bottle or any kind of supplement/sugar water. I wish to exclusively breastfeed. Although, a binky may be offered.
Recovery Goals
•Please ensure my placenta is not contaminated in any way. My doula will be taking it with her.
•I would like my 4 other children to be allowed in the room immediately following the birth.
•I prefer 24-hour rooming-in with my baby.
•I would like to go home as soon as possible.
•Should a transfer be necessary for baby, please allow me to accompany him/her.
(If Boy) Circumcision
•I may prefer a certain method be used. Please discuss our options.
•I would like the procedure to be done before we leave the hospital.
Photography
•There will be a photographer present. I would like for her to be allowed to take any photos and/or video she requests during labor/delivery/recovery. Dad is unable to attend the birth due to deployment so it is important to me to have these photos for him upon his return.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Emotions
Josh has been gone for 2 weeks now. Initially I feel like I handled it fairly well considering the circumstances. I was able to keep it together for all but a few tears on a few separate occasions leading up to his departure. Pretty much just the times Josh would talk to our baby were the hardest. It breaks my heart knowing he's missing all of that. I am just SO glad this is such a short deployment! And he will be home not long after baby gets here (about 2 months).
It wasn't but 3 days after he left when it became apparent I am the only one here responsible with 4 kids and one on the way. 2 of the kids had a Dr appointment that day. I walked out the door with the 3 youngest in tow to switch around car seats from the Excursion to the Veracruz about an hour before we needed to be there. Gage was just walking up the driveway, getting home from summer school.
Our doors lock from the outside but not from the inside. So you can walk out just fine but going back in... You get where I am going with this? When Gage tried to go inside to set his things down, yep, locked.
No one will admittedly say it was them who locked the door. They have been told many times not to mess with that lock! You can imagine my reaction. Not tears but I gave all of them a stern talking to! and just shut down. Like my brain seriously refused to work. I didn't know what to do! My phone was inside. The keys were inside. I had JUST locked the back door. We had things to do!
I saw that my next door neighbor was working in his garage so I walked over. I had never talked to him before so it was definitely awkward to ask to use his phone. He knew without me even saying what was going on. He must have been paying attention to the goings on leading up to Josh leaving. So he was more than willing to help! As soon as I had his phone in my hand, as I stood there staring at it, I realized I had no one to call... On any normal day I could call Josh and he'd come to the rescue. But obviously he can't and I didn't have anyone's number memorized that would do me any good. What now!? Either he could see my frustration or thought I was a total blonde because I couldn't even get my words out of my mouth. He offered to help try and find a way in. But of course with Josh gone I have double and triple checked all the windows and doors, making sure everything is locked. He went for a kitchen knife in his house to try and jimmy the door open. Apparently the latch points in the wrong direction for that to work cause the only thing he accomplished was cutting his hand. I felt so bad! I could tell it had to of been a pretty good cut with the amount of blood left in my garage. yikes!
So I suggested I look up my landlords info on the internet if he had wifi and a laptop I could use. He headed in to clean up and grab his mac. Which I have never used one before so that was a bit confusing. But thankfully I found their home phone #. All I had to do was call and pray they answer. I called the first time... straight to vm. CRAP! I searched around to see if I could find another number. During all of this I learned his name is Matt, He is ex military and now works as a plumber who's daughter is pregnant with their first grandchild, so they have been busy setting up a nursery and cleaning house to get ready for his/her arrival in December. Through all of their shifting things around he was not sure where his contacts were because he at some point had the cell phone numbers we were looking for. He was so extremely helpful!! What a nice guy! He was trying to think of any way he could to get me back in my house.
I decided to try the home phone one more time. It's ringing! Thank god it's ringing! Then she answered. Hallelujah! I explained that we were locked out and needed help. She replied with, I'm in the middle of a meeting and have no car... But she was going to find a car to borrow and run right over as soon as she could. OMG! THANK YOU!!! She got there shortly after and got us right in. She is also military and is a well seasoned wife and mother to this lifestyle. She was so sweet! I felt so bad! All I could do was hug her. She tried making me feel better by saying she's been there and everything always seems to go wrong right after they leave. I just hoped this was going to be the worst of it!
We got to the Dr appointment 25 minutes late but we got there. I called ahead and luckily they were able to fit us in still and I avoided paying the missed appointment fee.
That was a long day! And a wake up call to what I am going to have to endure. I didn't really prepare myself for this life. And I don't mean the Army life in general, I mean the whole deployment part. Everyone kept telling me it was going to be OK as if I was worried. To be honest I just didn't let myself think into it too far. It was beyond my control so I just shoved it aside. I am realizing now that maybe I should have prepared myself a bit more... We physically prepared the house, our finances, etc. but I never prepared my heart. Since then it seems a bit more difficult to keep the emotions at bay.
Something that has been bothering me for a while... I have been feeling like I don't have a single friend. I mean, I have friends! That isn't exactly what I meant. I'll try to explain... I have been living away from home for a year now. I try to be there for my friends as much as possible! But sometimes I have no choice but to miss out on significant events and it's hard to stomach! But when I start hearing of my closest friends important life events through FB I can't help but feel hurt. I used to be the one sometimes the first one they would call to share in the news. What happened? Josh has tried to prepare me for things like this for a long time. And maybe I haven't done my part either, I don't know. Living away is hard! That I do know. And it's something one can't fully understand until they live it!
Even though there are times the only place I want be is back in Utah with my family. Colorado is my home too. Sometimes I don't want to be anywhere but in my house with my kids and husband with nothing on the calendar. I have also made some great friends there. So many people willing to help out and keep me company. Friends that I hope will be friends for a lifetime, no matter the distance. One of the hardest parts of being in the military is how many people you have to meet just to see go. People I will be forever grateful for!! It's really amazing how close I can feel to these people after only knowing them for what seems like such a short time. But... still, I wouldn't expect to be the first person they call to chat about something personal. Not to say I wouldn't welcome it and love it! I'm just not sure if our friendship has quite gotten to the point (saying this with a few people in mind) where I wouldn't just feel nosey asking super personal questions like I would to my friends back home. And maybe that is my fault too. I don't want to overstep any boundaries.
It's always a challenge not to upset people when coming in town. Everyone wants me to make time to see them. And I still have to keep up with the kids, making sure they get time with everyone important to them, while working around everyone's schedule. Mostly I end up being with those who make the effort to call me and extend an invitation. Sometimes I will plan a get together somewhere so everyone has the opportunity to come see me. which doesn't always work out. It ends up proving something to me time and time again.
This being Josh and my first baby together as well as having to start all over after getting rid of everything baby. We are in need of some help to prepare. So my mom and mom in-law planed for a baby shower while I'm in town. Between 3 separate families and my friends they sent out somewhere around 70 invitations. So a lot of effort and $ was put into it, expecting a big crowd. When only a handful or two of those people came I couldn't help but feel heartbroken. It isn't about the shower, or the gifts, or even all the wasted effort and $ (which makes me feel horrible), it's that the majority of people didn't make me a priority. Not one person (besides my mom) from my end of the family came. I'm not saying this to barrage everyone who couldn't make it. For whatever the reason I get that life is busy!
When I got back to the house all I could think about was how glad I was I had my little (or maybe not so little) family. I wanted to kiss my kids and cuddle up to Josh and just go to bed. But I couldn't do either one... :( After having a long emotional evening of feeling quite insignificant I was finally able to get some sleep.
What I have realize now after some reflecting and why I brought this up, is that I do have some amazing friends and in-laws that I can count on! It's really made me feel important again after what had been lacking, as I mentioned before. Life is complicated. Mine might be a bit more so sometimes but sometimes I make it that way. We all need to just let things go. And I have decided to make more effort and just hope I'm not going to be the only one. And if things get busy and you don't hear from me for a while please forgive me and I will do the same. Thank you for being there for me when I need you!! You know who you are! <3 I know my emotions are going to rule me for the next few months at the very least. So hang in there with me! I'll need you! <3
33 wks
It wasn't but 3 days after he left when it became apparent I am the only one here responsible with 4 kids and one on the way. 2 of the kids had a Dr appointment that day. I walked out the door with the 3 youngest in tow to switch around car seats from the Excursion to the Veracruz about an hour before we needed to be there. Gage was just walking up the driveway, getting home from summer school.
Our doors lock from the outside but not from the inside. So you can walk out just fine but going back in... You get where I am going with this? When Gage tried to go inside to set his things down, yep, locked.
No one will admittedly say it was them who locked the door. They have been told many times not to mess with that lock! You can imagine my reaction. Not tears but I gave all of them a stern talking to! and just shut down. Like my brain seriously refused to work. I didn't know what to do! My phone was inside. The keys were inside. I had JUST locked the back door. We had things to do!
I saw that my next door neighbor was working in his garage so I walked over. I had never talked to him before so it was definitely awkward to ask to use his phone. He knew without me even saying what was going on. He must have been paying attention to the goings on leading up to Josh leaving. So he was more than willing to help! As soon as I had his phone in my hand, as I stood there staring at it, I realized I had no one to call... On any normal day I could call Josh and he'd come to the rescue. But obviously he can't and I didn't have anyone's number memorized that would do me any good. What now!? Either he could see my frustration or thought I was a total blonde because I couldn't even get my words out of my mouth. He offered to help try and find a way in. But of course with Josh gone I have double and triple checked all the windows and doors, making sure everything is locked. He went for a kitchen knife in his house to try and jimmy the door open. Apparently the latch points in the wrong direction for that to work cause the only thing he accomplished was cutting his hand. I felt so bad! I could tell it had to of been a pretty good cut with the amount of blood left in my garage. yikes!
So I suggested I look up my landlords info on the internet if he had wifi and a laptop I could use. He headed in to clean up and grab his mac. Which I have never used one before so that was a bit confusing. But thankfully I found their home phone #. All I had to do was call and pray they answer. I called the first time... straight to vm. CRAP! I searched around to see if I could find another number. During all of this I learned his name is Matt, He is ex military and now works as a plumber who's daughter is pregnant with their first grandchild, so they have been busy setting up a nursery and cleaning house to get ready for his/her arrival in December. Through all of their shifting things around he was not sure where his contacts were because he at some point had the cell phone numbers we were looking for. He was so extremely helpful!! What a nice guy! He was trying to think of any way he could to get me back in my house.
I decided to try the home phone one more time. It's ringing! Thank god it's ringing! Then she answered. Hallelujah! I explained that we were locked out and needed help. She replied with, I'm in the middle of a meeting and have no car... But she was going to find a car to borrow and run right over as soon as she could. OMG! THANK YOU!!! She got there shortly after and got us right in. She is also military and is a well seasoned wife and mother to this lifestyle. She was so sweet! I felt so bad! All I could do was hug her. She tried making me feel better by saying she's been there and everything always seems to go wrong right after they leave. I just hoped this was going to be the worst of it!
We got to the Dr appointment 25 minutes late but we got there. I called ahead and luckily they were able to fit us in still and I avoided paying the missed appointment fee.
That was a long day! And a wake up call to what I am going to have to endure. I didn't really prepare myself for this life. And I don't mean the Army life in general, I mean the whole deployment part. Everyone kept telling me it was going to be OK as if I was worried. To be honest I just didn't let myself think into it too far. It was beyond my control so I just shoved it aside. I am realizing now that maybe I should have prepared myself a bit more... We physically prepared the house, our finances, etc. but I never prepared my heart. Since then it seems a bit more difficult to keep the emotions at bay.
Something that has been bothering me for a while... I have been feeling like I don't have a single friend. I mean, I have friends! That isn't exactly what I meant. I'll try to explain... I have been living away from home for a year now. I try to be there for my friends as much as possible! But sometimes I have no choice but to miss out on significant events and it's hard to stomach! But when I start hearing of my closest friends important life events through FB I can't help but feel hurt. I used to be the one sometimes the first one they would call to share in the news. What happened? Josh has tried to prepare me for things like this for a long time. And maybe I haven't done my part either, I don't know. Living away is hard! That I do know. And it's something one can't fully understand until they live it!
Even though there are times the only place I want be is back in Utah with my family. Colorado is my home too. Sometimes I don't want to be anywhere but in my house with my kids and husband with nothing on the calendar. I have also made some great friends there. So many people willing to help out and keep me company. Friends that I hope will be friends for a lifetime, no matter the distance. One of the hardest parts of being in the military is how many people you have to meet just to see go. People I will be forever grateful for!! It's really amazing how close I can feel to these people after only knowing them for what seems like such a short time. But... still, I wouldn't expect to be the first person they call to chat about something personal. Not to say I wouldn't welcome it and love it! I'm just not sure if our friendship has quite gotten to the point (saying this with a few people in mind) where I wouldn't just feel nosey asking super personal questions like I would to my friends back home. And maybe that is my fault too. I don't want to overstep any boundaries.
It's always a challenge not to upset people when coming in town. Everyone wants me to make time to see them. And I still have to keep up with the kids, making sure they get time with everyone important to them, while working around everyone's schedule. Mostly I end up being with those who make the effort to call me and extend an invitation. Sometimes I will plan a get together somewhere so everyone has the opportunity to come see me. which doesn't always work out. It ends up proving something to me time and time again.
This being Josh and my first baby together as well as having to start all over after getting rid of everything baby. We are in need of some help to prepare. So my mom and mom in-law planed for a baby shower while I'm in town. Between 3 separate families and my friends they sent out somewhere around 70 invitations. So a lot of effort and $ was put into it, expecting a big crowd. When only a handful or two of those people came I couldn't help but feel heartbroken. It isn't about the shower, or the gifts, or even all the wasted effort and $ (which makes me feel horrible), it's that the majority of people didn't make me a priority. Not one person (besides my mom) from my end of the family came. I'm not saying this to barrage everyone who couldn't make it. For whatever the reason I get that life is busy!
When I got back to the house all I could think about was how glad I was I had my little (or maybe not so little) family. I wanted to kiss my kids and cuddle up to Josh and just go to bed. But I couldn't do either one... :( After having a long emotional evening of feeling quite insignificant I was finally able to get some sleep.
What I have realize now after some reflecting and why I brought this up, is that I do have some amazing friends and in-laws that I can count on! It's really made me feel important again after what had been lacking, as I mentioned before. Life is complicated. Mine might be a bit more so sometimes but sometimes I make it that way. We all need to just let things go. And I have decided to make more effort and just hope I'm not going to be the only one. And if things get busy and you don't hear from me for a while please forgive me and I will do the same. Thank you for being there for me when I need you!! You know who you are! <3 I know my emotions are going to rule me for the next few months at the very least. So hang in there with me! I'll need you! <3
33 wks
Monday, June 24, 2013
A Letter for My Unborn Baby
For my precious baby,
To start I want to tell you how your dad and I came to be. We grew up together from middle school on. When we were getting ready to graduate high school your dad decided it was a good time to finally tell me how much he has loved me, which happened to be about the same time he joined the service as a Cavalry Scout in the Army, a very brave and dangerous job to take on. I was working my first job as a waitress in a steakhouse. We spent a lot of time together the last few weeks before we graduated and he was sent away to basic training. After he left, the only contact we had was through a couple letters. After graduating basic he was able to come home for a while. I threw him a welcome home party and we were able to spend some time together in between family happenings. Then he was off to Germany to await his deployment. While he was there I sent him a video I made with his sister of the happenings of our teenage lives, but that was it. We had no contact through phone or a computer. A few months later he deployed to Iraq. While he was gone he got me a ring which he asked his mom to deliver, promising me we would be together. It wasn't long before some girls who thought they wanted to be with your dad or didn't want him to be with me got involved. Through their jealousy they started rumors which I got wind of. I wrote your dad a letter confronting him but I must not have been satisfied with his answer because I set to moving on. I still wore the ring and any man I met I mentioned him and my intent to see for sure where things where going. Your dad and I did not really truly know one another at this point. I only meant to give him a chance to prove himself. But with him being away with little to no contact made things near impossible. I moved on and married. I had 3 wonderful kids (your big brothers and oldest sister). Your dad was heartbroken but later the following year also married and had a beautiful daughter (your youngest big sister). Things don't always work out, or maybe they do... Your dad and I had not spoken to each other for nearly 8 years. Both of us had recently divorced or were in the process when we reconnected online. It was instant love as soon as we realized it was a possibility. Some things are just meant to be. <3
Your dad and I started mention of having a baby of our own early on in our relationship. I requested that we at least marry first, even though the wait would be difficult. We spent the first 2 years together living apart. Me in Utah him in Kentucky followed by Colorado, where we currently live. I wanted him to be there for you as best he could. We stuck to our plan but it didn't take long. you are a honeymoon baby. Conceived on an amazing snowmobiling trip in Park City, Utah.
Having another human being growing inside of you is one of the strangest yet most amazing things. Being a mom, your mom, is what I was made to do! This is what gives my life purpose and meaning. To be responsible for something so fragile as yourself right now is a privilege I could never replace.
How can anyone love someone SO MUCH before even meeting them? Being a parent is one feeling you just can't explain. My heart bursts with even the thought of gazing into your eyes. All of us can not wait to meet you!
I am asked a lot if I have a "feeling" if you are a boy or a girl, being we decided to wait to find out till you were born. I can't honestly say. At first I thought you would be a boy. Dad would get his little man and our family would be complete. When we figured out what your name would be, Owen James Hardman, I cried. It felt like I was being sent a message straight from heaven in the voice of my grandpa (James). Then one evening your dad and I were just enjoying each other's company and started throwing around girl names. The first time I heard your full name spoken aloud, Molly "Paige" Hardman, I got the chills. This name also just felt right. You will be called Paige, Molly is your Dad's grandma's name. Whether you are our handsome little boy or beautiful baby girl, we don't care. Naturally your brothers are hoping for a brother and your sisters are hoping for a sister but they really just want someone to play with. :)
You will be one lucky sibling! Gage is the most excited to feel you move in my belly. I know he will be a great big brother who will protect you at all cost. Jackson took a bit longer to warm up to the idea of Mommy having a baby. I think it was because he knows how much time you will be asking, or demanding, from me when you get here. He's a bit of a mommy's boy and not as willing to share my lap. But now that you have had time to grow and he sees the reality he is showing a lot of interest in the details of having "OUR" baby as we say. MaryJane was so excited to hear we were planning for a baby she didn't wait to go tell everyone before you even existed. She will be a good little mommy, bossy as she is I may not get any cuddle time with you. She's always talking about holding you and carrying you around. Kensey will get her first blood related sibling with you. That's something special. She knows we are having a baby but I am not sure the reality of that has sunk in at her age of 3. She is so willing to help out and I know you will just be the best of friends!
When I see you in my head I imagine chubby cheeks, a cute angled nose, a pointy little chin, bits of blonde hair, and big deep brown eyes. With perfect little fingers and the cutest baby feet I've ever kissed. I picture you laying your head on my chest and sleeping away hours to the beat of my heart.
Your birth will be full of tears of joy as well as tears of heartache. See, your daddy won't be able to be there. His job sometimes takes him away. He's fighting for all of us and must ensure not only your safety but all our family, friends and even strangers. What a wonderful sacrifice he and all of us make to ensure that. But even though he can't be there in person he will be there in heart. I know all he will be thinking about is YOU. He makes sure to talk to you as much as he can while you are growing inside me, so that when you do meet again you just might recognize his voice. The first time he will get to hold you and feel your warmth you will be about 2 months old. When all the new has wore off. But know that no matter how far, he loves you to the ends of the earth!
You are the perfect addition to our family. You will bring us all together like no one else could. The brother or sister and son or daughter to all. The thought of what that means completes me and brings added hope that this family will be closer forever. Being in a blended family is going to be hard and there are times you will wonder why your brother's and sister's get to go away for a while but you are always left at home with Mom and Dad. Just remember that each and every one of you are equal parts of this family and you are loved more than you know!!
I hope to teach you confidence, love, courage, dedication, and honesty. To be polite and respectful, an example. To make mistakes, and know when to say you're sorry. I do not expect perfection but I do expect every effort. you will never be alone in any journey.
With all my love,
Your Mommy
To start I want to tell you how your dad and I came to be. We grew up together from middle school on. When we were getting ready to graduate high school your dad decided it was a good time to finally tell me how much he has loved me, which happened to be about the same time he joined the service as a Cavalry Scout in the Army, a very brave and dangerous job to take on. I was working my first job as a waitress in a steakhouse. We spent a lot of time together the last few weeks before we graduated and he was sent away to basic training. After he left, the only contact we had was through a couple letters. After graduating basic he was able to come home for a while. I threw him a welcome home party and we were able to spend some time together in between family happenings. Then he was off to Germany to await his deployment. While he was there I sent him a video I made with his sister of the happenings of our teenage lives, but that was it. We had no contact through phone or a computer. A few months later he deployed to Iraq. While he was gone he got me a ring which he asked his mom to deliver, promising me we would be together. It wasn't long before some girls who thought they wanted to be with your dad or didn't want him to be with me got involved. Through their jealousy they started rumors which I got wind of. I wrote your dad a letter confronting him but I must not have been satisfied with his answer because I set to moving on. I still wore the ring and any man I met I mentioned him and my intent to see for sure where things where going. Your dad and I did not really truly know one another at this point. I only meant to give him a chance to prove himself. But with him being away with little to no contact made things near impossible. I moved on and married. I had 3 wonderful kids (your big brothers and oldest sister). Your dad was heartbroken but later the following year also married and had a beautiful daughter (your youngest big sister). Things don't always work out, or maybe they do... Your dad and I had not spoken to each other for nearly 8 years. Both of us had recently divorced or were in the process when we reconnected online. It was instant love as soon as we realized it was a possibility. Some things are just meant to be. <3
Your dad and I started mention of having a baby of our own early on in our relationship. I requested that we at least marry first, even though the wait would be difficult. We spent the first 2 years together living apart. Me in Utah him in Kentucky followed by Colorado, where we currently live. I wanted him to be there for you as best he could. We stuck to our plan but it didn't take long. you are a honeymoon baby. Conceived on an amazing snowmobiling trip in Park City, Utah.
Having another human being growing inside of you is one of the strangest yet most amazing things. Being a mom, your mom, is what I was made to do! This is what gives my life purpose and meaning. To be responsible for something so fragile as yourself right now is a privilege I could never replace.
How can anyone love someone SO MUCH before even meeting them? Being a parent is one feeling you just can't explain. My heart bursts with even the thought of gazing into your eyes. All of us can not wait to meet you!
I am asked a lot if I have a "feeling" if you are a boy or a girl, being we decided to wait to find out till you were born. I can't honestly say. At first I thought you would be a boy. Dad would get his little man and our family would be complete. When we figured out what your name would be, Owen James Hardman, I cried. It felt like I was being sent a message straight from heaven in the voice of my grandpa (James). Then one evening your dad and I were just enjoying each other's company and started throwing around girl names. The first time I heard your full name spoken aloud, Molly "Paige" Hardman, I got the chills. This name also just felt right. You will be called Paige, Molly is your Dad's grandma's name. Whether you are our handsome little boy or beautiful baby girl, we don't care. Naturally your brothers are hoping for a brother and your sisters are hoping for a sister but they really just want someone to play with. :)
You will be one lucky sibling! Gage is the most excited to feel you move in my belly. I know he will be a great big brother who will protect you at all cost. Jackson took a bit longer to warm up to the idea of Mommy having a baby. I think it was because he knows how much time you will be asking, or demanding, from me when you get here. He's a bit of a mommy's boy and not as willing to share my lap. But now that you have had time to grow and he sees the reality he is showing a lot of interest in the details of having "OUR" baby as we say. MaryJane was so excited to hear we were planning for a baby she didn't wait to go tell everyone before you even existed. She will be a good little mommy, bossy as she is I may not get any cuddle time with you. She's always talking about holding you and carrying you around. Kensey will get her first blood related sibling with you. That's something special. She knows we are having a baby but I am not sure the reality of that has sunk in at her age of 3. She is so willing to help out and I know you will just be the best of friends!
When I see you in my head I imagine chubby cheeks, a cute angled nose, a pointy little chin, bits of blonde hair, and big deep brown eyes. With perfect little fingers and the cutest baby feet I've ever kissed. I picture you laying your head on my chest and sleeping away hours to the beat of my heart.
Your birth will be full of tears of joy as well as tears of heartache. See, your daddy won't be able to be there. His job sometimes takes him away. He's fighting for all of us and must ensure not only your safety but all our family, friends and even strangers. What a wonderful sacrifice he and all of us make to ensure that. But even though he can't be there in person he will be there in heart. I know all he will be thinking about is YOU. He makes sure to talk to you as much as he can while you are growing inside me, so that when you do meet again you just might recognize his voice. The first time he will get to hold you and feel your warmth you will be about 2 months old. When all the new has wore off. But know that no matter how far, he loves you to the ends of the earth!
You are the perfect addition to our family. You will bring us all together like no one else could. The brother or sister and son or daughter to all. The thought of what that means completes me and brings added hope that this family will be closer forever. Being in a blended family is going to be hard and there are times you will wonder why your brother's and sister's get to go away for a while but you are always left at home with Mom and Dad. Just remember that each and every one of you are equal parts of this family and you are loved more than you know!!
I hope to teach you confidence, love, courage, dedication, and honesty. To be polite and respectful, an example. To make mistakes, and know when to say you're sorry. I do not expect perfection but I do expect every effort. you will never be alone in any journey.
With all my love,
Your Mommy
Is This Real? Are We Ready?
With the stresses of life and being as busy as it is with 4 kids and a husband in the military with all it entails, I have not gotten many chances to just sit and reflect on what life is going to be like with a new born. To truly connect with the life growing inside of me. I am still in disbelief I think to even imagine holding a tiny baby, OUR tiny baby! I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY!! CRAZY!
I am 28 weeks along, going into my third trimester, and the discomfort is getting greater and more apparent by day. Although I must admit, and it may be the gap between pregnancies allowing my body to recoup, things are going better than I had prepared myself for. Each of my previous pregnancies had gotten more painful with each one as far as joint pain goes. I always said if I had 1 more baby I swear my legs would just fall off at the hip! Fortunately I am still able to go on long walks (on occasion) and effectively deep clean the house, even if I feel the effects in my back for a couple days. The baby is very active and hard to miss these days! The kids have all been able to feel him/her moving. So I think it is just getting to be real for everyone.
We started a registry at Babies R Us, which has helped it sink in and gotten us real excited for the baby to get here! :) But it has also made me realize and worry about having everything we need and ready in time. See, I didn't think I would be here in my life again. I had prepared myself for moving on from my baby making years. Which was a hard thing to do because I was made for this! I got rid of basically everything aside from a pac n' play and the bassinet and crib my sister gave me from her babies. Leaving the gender up for surprise has proven even more difficult in this area. We are not able to be nearly as prepared as my nature tells me I need to be.
This life in the military, and it could be just that I'm getting older and maybe a bit wiser ;), has taught me that waiting for something isn't always all that bad, or really you just learn to deal with it. I have always had a hard time waiting for things to happen, to be prepared was a strong desire and necessary for my sanity. When I have a plan I want to execute that plan as soon as possible. Make that picture in my head a reality or it will just eat me alive till it was just right. I have learned to relax and be less strict on myself and more strict on our financial abilities. I'd have to say it is a huge step for me to say it's OK if we set up the nursery AFTER the baby gets here. Moms know with all the nesting hormones, to bring a baby home to an incomplete nursery and not having hardly a thing for him/her to wear would be a nightmare. But I'm ready for it. Although, I think this has also hindered in the whole process of making it all a reality. Why I am still in disbelief that I will have one more little life that I am responsible for. I need to see the evidence. ;) A baby shower is in the plans though and will be SO extremely helpful and appreciated!
To make things more stressful I will be doing this without my other half. :( We have officially gotten clarification that Josh will NOT be able to catch a plane home from deployment to be here for the birth. With my due date being right in the middle of his departure and return there is no way for a delayed or early flight. Luckily I have lots of support from my fellow military spouses, and willing family to make the trip to help out. My mom for one plans on staying for a while. She will be of great help and I am so happy to have her!! I have a doula coming to support me at the birth, and so that I can give everything I can to Josh to help him feel like he was a part of it I have hired a photographer to come document it all. We are counting on him being on Skype as well, although not the same I am grateful for that. But it will only happen if he can get to a computer capable of making the video call quickly enough. I have a feeling this labor/delivery will happen fairly quick. It will be a very emotional day!!
I have an ability to flip my emotional switch by command. Turning it off is a whole lot easier than turning it on though. And I am horrible at reactions, Josh hates it. I wont be that girl you see jumping up and down, screaming because of a gift and I won't be the wife running into my soldiers arms wrapping my legs around him upon his arrival. Not to say I don't feel anything at those times, I just don't let it show. And it's not that you are unable to touch my heart!! There is a difference. I am easily touched by kind words and gestures! There are a lot of things that I hold close to my heart that can get the tears streaming. So I don't want to make it sound like I am heartless. I'm trying to find the easiest way to explain this and why I bring it up... To show excitement and joy at something immediately in front of me takes more effort than just shutting down all distress. This is how I see my emotional state on birth day... I am set and determined to connect to my baby that day. I refuse to let the sad parts of that day get me down into PPD or a less severe baby blues. I realize it may be something I can not control but I am so afraid of being so absorbed in the he's not here, that I will overlook the things to be happy about. It makes me afraid I will shut down all emotion and that day will just fade away because I didn't allow myself to really experience it. So, I am just counting on being a mess. It's my goal to let all emotions flood into me. I will make this baby be my savior from the sadness and hope it's enough to make our bond that much stronger! Just writing this makes me tear up which I have not allowed myself to do since finding out he will not be there. Not to say I have not lost control since the subject of deployment has come up, but it has been more out of anger. Now it's acceptance and sadness.
I may not ever be completely ready, but that's OK.
I am 28 weeks along, going into my third trimester, and the discomfort is getting greater and more apparent by day. Although I must admit, and it may be the gap between pregnancies allowing my body to recoup, things are going better than I had prepared myself for. Each of my previous pregnancies had gotten more painful with each one as far as joint pain goes. I always said if I had 1 more baby I swear my legs would just fall off at the hip! Fortunately I am still able to go on long walks (on occasion) and effectively deep clean the house, even if I feel the effects in my back for a couple days. The baby is very active and hard to miss these days! The kids have all been able to feel him/her moving. So I think it is just getting to be real for everyone.
We started a registry at Babies R Us, which has helped it sink in and gotten us real excited for the baby to get here! :) But it has also made me realize and worry about having everything we need and ready in time. See, I didn't think I would be here in my life again. I had prepared myself for moving on from my baby making years. Which was a hard thing to do because I was made for this! I got rid of basically everything aside from a pac n' play and the bassinet and crib my sister gave me from her babies. Leaving the gender up for surprise has proven even more difficult in this area. We are not able to be nearly as prepared as my nature tells me I need to be.
This life in the military, and it could be just that I'm getting older and maybe a bit wiser ;), has taught me that waiting for something isn't always all that bad, or really you just learn to deal with it. I have always had a hard time waiting for things to happen, to be prepared was a strong desire and necessary for my sanity. When I have a plan I want to execute that plan as soon as possible. Make that picture in my head a reality or it will just eat me alive till it was just right. I have learned to relax and be less strict on myself and more strict on our financial abilities. I'd have to say it is a huge step for me to say it's OK if we set up the nursery AFTER the baby gets here. Moms know with all the nesting hormones, to bring a baby home to an incomplete nursery and not having hardly a thing for him/her to wear would be a nightmare. But I'm ready for it. Although, I think this has also hindered in the whole process of making it all a reality. Why I am still in disbelief that I will have one more little life that I am responsible for. I need to see the evidence. ;) A baby shower is in the plans though and will be SO extremely helpful and appreciated!
To make things more stressful I will be doing this without my other half. :( We have officially gotten clarification that Josh will NOT be able to catch a plane home from deployment to be here for the birth. With my due date being right in the middle of his departure and return there is no way for a delayed or early flight. Luckily I have lots of support from my fellow military spouses, and willing family to make the trip to help out. My mom for one plans on staying for a while. She will be of great help and I am so happy to have her!! I have a doula coming to support me at the birth, and so that I can give everything I can to Josh to help him feel like he was a part of it I have hired a photographer to come document it all. We are counting on him being on Skype as well, although not the same I am grateful for that. But it will only happen if he can get to a computer capable of making the video call quickly enough. I have a feeling this labor/delivery will happen fairly quick. It will be a very emotional day!!
I have an ability to flip my emotional switch by command. Turning it off is a whole lot easier than turning it on though. And I am horrible at reactions, Josh hates it. I wont be that girl you see jumping up and down, screaming because of a gift and I won't be the wife running into my soldiers arms wrapping my legs around him upon his arrival. Not to say I don't feel anything at those times, I just don't let it show. And it's not that you are unable to touch my heart!! There is a difference. I am easily touched by kind words and gestures! There are a lot of things that I hold close to my heart that can get the tears streaming. So I don't want to make it sound like I am heartless. I'm trying to find the easiest way to explain this and why I bring it up... To show excitement and joy at something immediately in front of me takes more effort than just shutting down all distress. This is how I see my emotional state on birth day... I am set and determined to connect to my baby that day. I refuse to let the sad parts of that day get me down into PPD or a less severe baby blues. I realize it may be something I can not control but I am so afraid of being so absorbed in the he's not here, that I will overlook the things to be happy about. It makes me afraid I will shut down all emotion and that day will just fade away because I didn't allow myself to really experience it. So, I am just counting on being a mess. It's my goal to let all emotions flood into me. I will make this baby be my savior from the sadness and hope it's enough to make our bond that much stronger! Just writing this makes me tear up which I have not allowed myself to do since finding out he will not be there. Not to say I have not lost control since the subject of deployment has come up, but it has been more out of anger. Now it's acceptance and sadness.
I may not ever be completely ready, but that's OK.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Ultrasound
This is the 20 week ultrasound we got back on May 6th. Just wanted to share :)
I always thought it funny to hear people say how cute the baby is in an ultrasound picture. But, I gotta say this baby is SO cute. His/Her little feet, lips and bone structure... perfect! ;) But we might be a bit partial.
I always thought it funny to hear people say how cute the baby is in an ultrasound picture. But, I gotta say this baby is SO cute. His/Her little feet, lips and bone structure... perfect! ;) But we might be a bit partial.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Doula / L&D
I have spent the past week messaging Doulas who participate in a program called OSD (operation special delivery). What it is, they offer their services for free to wives of active duty service members who are deployed during the birth of their baby. fantastic, right!? It's really getting me excited about delivery knowing I will have someone there to help me accomplish my goals. I have one in particular I think will be a great match and seems ready to help in any way she can. And not because she feels obligated but because she truly wants to. :)
I had an OB appointment this morning and took the opportunity to really drill a midwife about how things work during labor and delivery. I didn't think of everything to ask at the time but I got some good answers from her that have put some of my worries at rest. She said typically they do not do episiotomies and they always delay cord clamping. She also said I would be able to reach down and pull my baby out and up to my chest myself if I request it. I will be able to deliver how ever I feel comfortable. so that was reassuring as far as actual delivery goes. I found out the midwife and Dr on call are there all day (12 hour shift) so I will be able to speak with them before hand and be sure I know that they know what I would like. By experience, I'm used to them calling the Dr when you are almost ready to push and they show up just in the nick of time if not too late. So that was comforting to know they are there ready to go, and involved during labor. Especially being I probably will not have ever met them previously.
The midwife told me to write my birth plan and bring it in at my 36 week appointment so we can go over it and be sure we agree on everything. The only thing I mentioned that may take some convincing is declining the goopy stuff they put in the babies eyes. It's apparently a state law. She said I will probably just have to sign a waver. Then when delivery time comes to bring in the agreed upon plan so everyone involved knows exactly what I expect. Assuming everyone involved reads it and abides by it.
After my appointment I went up to L&D and spoke to a nurse and had a tour. She seemed very sweet and the atmosphere of nurses everywhere laughing seemed nice. The rooms are very spacious and very non OR like. For some reason in my head I imagine me laying on this tiny bed in the middle of a huge white room with my feet in the air and all these light on me. Even though I know it's not the case. The rooms feel very welcoming and relaxing. So all my fears as far as setting goes are at ease. I do wish I could deliver and just go home to my own bed though... I'll have to stay for at least 24 hours after delivery. The nurse did mention I can't eat much during labor, as I expected, so I need to be sure I eat something before leaving home. They'll require me to be monitored for 20 minutes upon arrival. So that tells me get there sooner rather than later cause I can't sit for 20 minutes while in transition. If history repeats itself this labor won't take long. After the initial monitoring they'll allow me to move freely, shower, get in the tub (if they get them working properly), etc. They also have a birthing ball and a squat bar.
One of the doulas I have received emails from also gave my info to a woman who naturally delivered her baby at Evan's. Her story has reassured me that I will be just fine. Everyone took great care in making sure her wishes were met.
All in all I walked out of there feeling better about delivering there than when I walked in. Still not optimal, but I think I can make it work and it will still be a great experience. :)
Although... a doula I have been speaking to mentioned she will ask some midwives she has connections with to see if they can help me get the home birth I had hoped for. So we will see what comes out of that. I am trying to find the good and be happy with either direction. But in my heart I would love to be home with my family.
My next appointment is scheduled in 6 weeks. And I also have my 20+ week ultrasound on May 6th. So I plan to have a lot more figured out by then. Right now things seem really gray as far as deployment goes. Things keep changing and nothing is sure. Still hoping Josh will be here for the birth no matter what. But it is good to know I will have some support!! :) I will never be able to repay the person who takes time out of her schedule to be there for me when I need her! Doula's are great!!
Here's a belly pic from today 18w 4d
I had an OB appointment this morning and took the opportunity to really drill a midwife about how things work during labor and delivery. I didn't think of everything to ask at the time but I got some good answers from her that have put some of my worries at rest. She said typically they do not do episiotomies and they always delay cord clamping. She also said I would be able to reach down and pull my baby out and up to my chest myself if I request it. I will be able to deliver how ever I feel comfortable. so that was reassuring as far as actual delivery goes. I found out the midwife and Dr on call are there all day (12 hour shift) so I will be able to speak with them before hand and be sure I know that they know what I would like. By experience, I'm used to them calling the Dr when you are almost ready to push and they show up just in the nick of time if not too late. So that was comforting to know they are there ready to go, and involved during labor. Especially being I probably will not have ever met them previously.
The midwife told me to write my birth plan and bring it in at my 36 week appointment so we can go over it and be sure we agree on everything. The only thing I mentioned that may take some convincing is declining the goopy stuff they put in the babies eyes. It's apparently a state law. She said I will probably just have to sign a waver. Then when delivery time comes to bring in the agreed upon plan so everyone involved knows exactly what I expect. Assuming everyone involved reads it and abides by it.
After my appointment I went up to L&D and spoke to a nurse and had a tour. She seemed very sweet and the atmosphere of nurses everywhere laughing seemed nice. The rooms are very spacious and very non OR like. For some reason in my head I imagine me laying on this tiny bed in the middle of a huge white room with my feet in the air and all these light on me. Even though I know it's not the case. The rooms feel very welcoming and relaxing. So all my fears as far as setting goes are at ease. I do wish I could deliver and just go home to my own bed though... I'll have to stay for at least 24 hours after delivery. The nurse did mention I can't eat much during labor, as I expected, so I need to be sure I eat something before leaving home. They'll require me to be monitored for 20 minutes upon arrival. So that tells me get there sooner rather than later cause I can't sit for 20 minutes while in transition. If history repeats itself this labor won't take long. After the initial monitoring they'll allow me to move freely, shower, get in the tub (if they get them working properly), etc. They also have a birthing ball and a squat bar.
One of the doulas I have received emails from also gave my info to a woman who naturally delivered her baby at Evan's. Her story has reassured me that I will be just fine. Everyone took great care in making sure her wishes were met.
All in all I walked out of there feeling better about delivering there than when I walked in. Still not optimal, but I think I can make it work and it will still be a great experience. :)
Although... a doula I have been speaking to mentioned she will ask some midwives she has connections with to see if they can help me get the home birth I had hoped for. So we will see what comes out of that. I am trying to find the good and be happy with either direction. But in my heart I would love to be home with my family.
My next appointment is scheduled in 6 weeks. And I also have my 20+ week ultrasound on May 6th. So I plan to have a lot more figured out by then. Right now things seem really gray as far as deployment goes. Things keep changing and nothing is sure. Still hoping Josh will be here for the birth no matter what. But it is good to know I will have some support!! :) I will never be able to repay the person who takes time out of her schedule to be there for me when I need her! Doula's are great!!
Here's a belly pic from today 18w 4d
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Birth Rape
Figured it's time for a blog when I go to FB and update my status just to realize it was way too painfully long. I just have too much to say I guess.
Before I get into what's on my mind let me give you a bit of an update. A couple of weeks after going to orientation at the birthing center we found out (effective April 1st) they will no longer except our insurance, so our cost would have doubled if not more. We discussed what that would mean. Being over an hour from our home, just for regular visits, gas would be a great financial burden. Then we had to consider that, if history repeats itself, this labor will be even shorter than my last (4 hours) as each one has gotten shorter. So, I would not want to labor at home for long. What if we ended up at the birthing center just to find out it was a false alarm. If it is near my due date and I am getting close we may want to think about getting a hotel room, so that adds to the expense. Not to mention if we have guests to worry about who want to be present for the birth. So in the end it just wasn't in our budget.
Josh got word from another soldier that they were able to get a referral from their Dr at the army hospital to see a midwife for a home birth. So, we started the process to move towards that. We switched my coverage so if things worked out right we would not have out of pocket costs. I made my first appointment which I was already not happy with because being 8 weeks I should be having my first visit real soon, but they are so busy they were not able to even get me in to fill out paper work for 4 weeks. After my paper work appointment, where I also had all my lab work done, I was able to make my first real appointment a couple weeks later (I was thought to be 14 weeks along by then).
Back tracking just a little bit when I called initially I was able to speak to a nurse to ask about my nausea, which was going on all day every day (a new experience for me), and I was having some pain near my right ovary. She scheduled me for a "viability scan". I walked in to the office the next day. They found a cyst on my ovary which apparently is normal and nothing to worry about. They checked on baby, found the little heart beat, and sent us home with a cute little picture of our bean. I was also prescribed some anti-nausea pills, which had no effect.
While we were there I ask what I would need to do to get a referral to have the birth I desire. The Dr. I saw had previously worked at a birthing center so I figured he was going to understand what I wanted. His reply was that they do not recommend it. He did mention they are installing birthing tubs at the hospital. Although I am only allowed to labor in the tubs. They are not for delivery, in his words, "it's too hard on my back". WHAT? I would have thought I would get the, there is a chance for infection or this or that can happen but no, his reasoning is because he thinks MY birth is about HIM! WRONG! I am sure it is not something they would promote but if a woman here and there wanted to deliver in the tub is it really going to effect your back all that much? Plus in all honesty you are not going to touch me while I am delivering! So there is no need to worry about your back. Feel free to stand and watch me deliver MY baby. sheesh! So, I left that appointment feeling discouraged but wasn't going to give up quite yet. I was still not educated on how things worked at the army hospital so I figured I would wait till my actual appointment and try to talk some sense into who I thought would be my permanent Dr. I was wrong...
I just read a story/blog on "Birth Rape" from BWF (birth without fear) I already hate my situation with feeling a lack of choice and not having a relationship with my provider (I won't know who will be at my delivery till I get there). reading it made me realize that this describes what it was about my hospital births I was not happy with and why I have a great fear going that route again this time. MaryJane's birth was... amazing! She saved the way I feel about child birth! I always thought that my experience with the boys was the way it was. I had no choices in the matter and Dr's knew best. What prompted my research before I was pregnant with MJ was a show on TLC about a birthing center in Florida. In my search I found a birthing center near by and that was it, I never had a second thought. I was doing this and doing it completely natural, the way mother nature intended. I desperately want the same experience with this birth.
These are my fears, If I don't know who will be on call the day I deliver (because I refuse to be induced) how are they going to know what I want in my labor, delivery, and recovery? Sure I could write up a birthing plan but will they really read it and will they follow my wishes? Will they tell me what they are going to do before they do it or am I going to be seen as an object or someone with an illness that needs treatment. I am starting to consider paying for a doula who will know exactly what I want because she will know ME. That way someone (besides my husband) can be there to make sure things are going according to plan. The last thing I want is to have to bark out orders while trying my best to relax.
These are some things I know I want, I do not want to be checked or touched in any way unless I ask them to. I will not be hooked up to any kind of machine, IV included. If I am hungry, expect that I will be eating. Do not offer me pitocin or an epidural or any other kind of labor inducing/pain reducing meds. I will push when I feel the urge. If I don't want to deliver on my back, with my feet in the air, with my butt hanging half way off on that little bed, I'm not going to. I am still not sure if I want to wear a hospital gown, if I choose not to that is my choice. I am not going to let anyone tell me what to do because it's "policy". Do not break my bag of water. I do NOT want an episiotomy, let me tear if I must. I will bring my baby out and onto my chest immediately! The cord will not be cut and the baby taken until I am ready to deliver the placenta. There will be no pulling or tugging to deliver the placenta in a rush. I do not want any of that goopy crap in my babies eyes, I don't have an STD so it is unnecessary. Absolutely no bottles, I will nurse my baby immediately. Absolutely nothing will be done with out my permission first!
Sadly a lot of these things have become the norm for Dr's. My number one rule will be don't tell me what to do and ask before you do anything. I want to feel good and confident in my birthing plan. I want to know not just hope they will do exactly as I wish with no pressure. And I just don't... I am still unsure where to go from here.
I had my first real appointment just over a week ago. They did another ultrasound and changed my due date by 4 days to September 15th. The cyst has gotten smaller but I am still experiencing pain. But everything seems to be going well. I was told again that they do not recommend me having a home birth, so I will not be getting the referral I hoped for.
I don't really have a plan from here. I need to call around and find a midwife that takes our ins and will possibly deliver my baby at home. If only I had a midwife/Dr I loved and that shared my views that I could get to know. I would feel a million times better! I may have to lower my coverage, which means there will be out of pocket costs but it will be worth it to avoid the stress and intervention I know I will have in my current situation. If I do not go that route and decide to stay at the hospital I need to look into a doula. Which I had never considered before now. Wish me luck!
Just as a side note.
Good news, we decided on a girl and a boy name! When the boy name was said out loud I cried. When the girl name was said out loud I got the chills and had a warm feeling around my heart. So, they just feel... right! :) Can't wait till the day comes and we get to say, "it's a boy!" or "it's a girl!". AND I can feel the baby move sometimes now! YAY!
Bad news, I had some bleeding yesterday. I have never had anything like this this far along (I'll be 15 weeks tomorrow). So I was a bit freaked out. I called and spoke to a nurse in L&D. The bleeding had stopped by then so she said to just take it easy. If I get any more bleeding along with cramping to go to the ER. So far so good! Also, we recently got official word that Josh will be deployed on and around my due date. So, more planning is in tow. Fingers crossed he get's leave! Just another thing to add to my stress of the unknown.
belly @ 13w 6d
Before I get into what's on my mind let me give you a bit of an update. A couple of weeks after going to orientation at the birthing center we found out (effective April 1st) they will no longer except our insurance, so our cost would have doubled if not more. We discussed what that would mean. Being over an hour from our home, just for regular visits, gas would be a great financial burden. Then we had to consider that, if history repeats itself, this labor will be even shorter than my last (4 hours) as each one has gotten shorter. So, I would not want to labor at home for long. What if we ended up at the birthing center just to find out it was a false alarm. If it is near my due date and I am getting close we may want to think about getting a hotel room, so that adds to the expense. Not to mention if we have guests to worry about who want to be present for the birth. So in the end it just wasn't in our budget.
Josh got word from another soldier that they were able to get a referral from their Dr at the army hospital to see a midwife for a home birth. So, we started the process to move towards that. We switched my coverage so if things worked out right we would not have out of pocket costs. I made my first appointment which I was already not happy with because being 8 weeks I should be having my first visit real soon, but they are so busy they were not able to even get me in to fill out paper work for 4 weeks. After my paper work appointment, where I also had all my lab work done, I was able to make my first real appointment a couple weeks later (I was thought to be 14 weeks along by then).
Back tracking just a little bit when I called initially I was able to speak to a nurse to ask about my nausea, which was going on all day every day (a new experience for me), and I was having some pain near my right ovary. She scheduled me for a "viability scan". I walked in to the office the next day. They found a cyst on my ovary which apparently is normal and nothing to worry about. They checked on baby, found the little heart beat, and sent us home with a cute little picture of our bean. I was also prescribed some anti-nausea pills, which had no effect.
While we were there I ask what I would need to do to get a referral to have the birth I desire. The Dr. I saw had previously worked at a birthing center so I figured he was going to understand what I wanted. His reply was that they do not recommend it. He did mention they are installing birthing tubs at the hospital. Although I am only allowed to labor in the tubs. They are not for delivery, in his words, "it's too hard on my back". WHAT? I would have thought I would get the, there is a chance for infection or this or that can happen but no, his reasoning is because he thinks MY birth is about HIM! WRONG! I am sure it is not something they would promote but if a woman here and there wanted to deliver in the tub is it really going to effect your back all that much? Plus in all honesty you are not going to touch me while I am delivering! So there is no need to worry about your back. Feel free to stand and watch me deliver MY baby. sheesh! So, I left that appointment feeling discouraged but wasn't going to give up quite yet. I was still not educated on how things worked at the army hospital so I figured I would wait till my actual appointment and try to talk some sense into who I thought would be my permanent Dr. I was wrong...
I just read a story/blog on "Birth Rape" from BWF (birth without fear) I already hate my situation with feeling a lack of choice and not having a relationship with my provider (I won't know who will be at my delivery till I get there). reading it made me realize that this describes what it was about my hospital births I was not happy with and why I have a great fear going that route again this time. MaryJane's birth was... amazing! She saved the way I feel about child birth! I always thought that my experience with the boys was the way it was. I had no choices in the matter and Dr's knew best. What prompted my research before I was pregnant with MJ was a show on TLC about a birthing center in Florida. In my search I found a birthing center near by and that was it, I never had a second thought. I was doing this and doing it completely natural, the way mother nature intended. I desperately want the same experience with this birth.
These are my fears, If I don't know who will be on call the day I deliver (because I refuse to be induced) how are they going to know what I want in my labor, delivery, and recovery? Sure I could write up a birthing plan but will they really read it and will they follow my wishes? Will they tell me what they are going to do before they do it or am I going to be seen as an object or someone with an illness that needs treatment. I am starting to consider paying for a doula who will know exactly what I want because she will know ME. That way someone (besides my husband) can be there to make sure things are going according to plan. The last thing I want is to have to bark out orders while trying my best to relax.
These are some things I know I want, I do not want to be checked or touched in any way unless I ask them to. I will not be hooked up to any kind of machine, IV included. If I am hungry, expect that I will be eating. Do not offer me pitocin or an epidural or any other kind of labor inducing/pain reducing meds. I will push when I feel the urge. If I don't want to deliver on my back, with my feet in the air, with my butt hanging half way off on that little bed, I'm not going to. I am still not sure if I want to wear a hospital gown, if I choose not to that is my choice. I am not going to let anyone tell me what to do because it's "policy". Do not break my bag of water. I do NOT want an episiotomy, let me tear if I must. I will bring my baby out and onto my chest immediately! The cord will not be cut and the baby taken until I am ready to deliver the placenta. There will be no pulling or tugging to deliver the placenta in a rush. I do not want any of that goopy crap in my babies eyes, I don't have an STD so it is unnecessary. Absolutely no bottles, I will nurse my baby immediately. Absolutely nothing will be done with out my permission first!
Sadly a lot of these things have become the norm for Dr's. My number one rule will be don't tell me what to do and ask before you do anything. I want to feel good and confident in my birthing plan. I want to know not just hope they will do exactly as I wish with no pressure. And I just don't... I am still unsure where to go from here.
I had my first real appointment just over a week ago. They did another ultrasound and changed my due date by 4 days to September 15th. The cyst has gotten smaller but I am still experiencing pain. But everything seems to be going well. I was told again that they do not recommend me having a home birth, so I will not be getting the referral I hoped for.
I don't really have a plan from here. I need to call around and find a midwife that takes our ins and will possibly deliver my baby at home. If only I had a midwife/Dr I loved and that shared my views that I could get to know. I would feel a million times better! I may have to lower my coverage, which means there will be out of pocket costs but it will be worth it to avoid the stress and intervention I know I will have in my current situation. If I do not go that route and decide to stay at the hospital I need to look into a doula. Which I had never considered before now. Wish me luck!
Just as a side note.
Good news, we decided on a girl and a boy name! When the boy name was said out loud I cried. When the girl name was said out loud I got the chills and had a warm feeling around my heart. So, they just feel... right! :) Can't wait till the day comes and we get to say, "it's a boy!" or "it's a girl!". AND I can feel the baby move sometimes now! YAY!
Bad news, I had some bleeding yesterday. I have never had anything like this this far along (I'll be 15 weeks tomorrow). So I was a bit freaked out. I called and spoke to a nurse in L&D. The bleeding had stopped by then so she said to just take it easy. If I get any more bleeding along with cramping to go to the ER. So far so good! Also, we recently got official word that Josh will be deployed on and around my due date. So, more planning is in tow. Fingers crossed he get's leave! Just another thing to add to my stress of the unknown.
belly @ 13w 6d
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