Self Image

Something a lot of us women have a hard time with is having a positive outlook on our image. So I'm sure it's not a shocker to hear, loving myself on the exterior is a daily struggle.

I'm too chubby, too saggy, my face is lopsided, my teeth too big/crooked/yellow, my eyelashes too short, my nails too thin, my hair too fine/broken and not the right color, hair that grows in places I wish it wouldn't, my skin too dry/white, veins I wish I couldn't see, my not so slender ankles, too broad shoulders, mole ridden arms...

Wanting to save and plan for surgery to "fix" a few things yet wondering if it would just ruin them, me, in the end.

Then why is it that any time I build myself up and start not just loving but enjoying being me I tear myself down. I'll look in the mirror and a thought will float by; man I really like how my hair worked out today, my lips look amazing with this lip gloss, I can really see some definition in my arms, this shirt flatters my body, I feel good, I'm pretty...

I automatically back right up and start telling myself that I am a horrible person and I shouldn't be so full of myself. why? And I'm not. But I am. I hate me, yet I love me. But for some reason I won't allow myself to love in fear that I am being too vain. Which leads to an internal argument over who's right and who's wrong about how I should really be feeling. Moment ruined. Great, I hate myself again.

So I start looking for connections. Things I love for reason and not just for today.

When I look at my hands I see my mom's hands and I love my mom therefor I love my hands. <3 My eyes are wide and open like my grandpa's and I love my grandpa therefor I love my eyes. <3 When I smile I resemble people I get to see daily and others that I really miss and love therefor I love my smile. <3 My face has a shape that blends right in with aunts/cousins and I love my family therefor I love my shape. <3 When I scrutinize my naked body I see proof that I'm a mother and I love my children therefor I love my body. <3 Every scar a memory; childhood, motherhood, vacations, experiences, things that define me. And really that's what matters in the end. The person who you are. And I, I kinda like me... :)

My Worst Nightmare

It's been some time since I have shared anything with all of you. And I am sorry it has to be about something so sad and nothing any of us like to talk about, But something happened to me last night that I have been unable to shake. It's causing me some real anxiety. My nose is burning as my eyes swell with tears this very moment at just the thought of it.

Let me begin by explaining my state of mind lately.

Just over a week ago my family and I decided to go enjoy this beautiful Colorado weather in the mountains where we frequent before Josh headed out of state for some time. While we were out we ran into one of Josh's buddies in our troop, twice. Once on his way up the trail as we were on our descent. We stopped for a few seconds is all for a quick hello. He mentioned that he had been hiking around the area since earlier that morning. He had his ruck sack packed so full I think he could have been hauling me up that mountain, yet he didn't seem exhausted at all. He was happy and really enjoying himself. We parted with a smile and a wave and went our separate ways.
When we reached the bottom we decided to drive down the road a bit and try another trail I had never been on before. It was beautiful. Everyone just all around had a great time. We had to get back home to clean up for a dinner date we had with some friends though, so after not too much time we headed back. We piled in the car and made a last minute decision to take the scenic route home. On our way back up the mountain we again saw his friend walking down the side of the road heading down the canyon. We all waved.
Not long after arriving at our friends house that evening I read some horrible news that a hiker had been found dead right near where we had been. It was really getting to me all night. I just couldn't stop wondering if we were one of the last ones to see this man alive. Did we pass him on the trail? Who was he? At first there was some confusion on his age so my initial thought was not who it ended up being.
It wasn't until 2 days later when Josh was on a layover between flights when I heard. It was him... His friend. My heart just fell to my stomach. It just can't be. It's the hardest thing to understand. why!? tragedy struck and all of us are feeling it. The sudden nature of it all really makes you take a step back and realize how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. I mean these men sign there life away, willing to give it all fighting for their country. He wasn't deployed, or at a range, or in the field. He may have been preparing for future plans in his career but he was not intentionally put in harms way. There was no real reason for any of this.
He was a single man with no kids so no wife and children to console but I couldn't stop wondering how I would manage if that were Josh... He was the oldest son. My worst nightmare come true. When I pray to the lord above it's for protection of my greatest achievements. How could I cope... His poor mother. My heart just aches for all his family and friends. I have never seen so many men cry. He was an amazing person. Always looking for the best in everyone, helping where he could.
His passing has effected many many people. A lot of those people are carrying a heavy feeling of guilt. Myself included. What could I have done to change this? What if... what if we pulled the car over and asked him to join us that evening. Would he have?

Now after I gather myself again.

Last night wasn't much different than any other night. Paige and I headed off to bed together after the house was quiet. We co-sleep because it's easier on both of us. We get more and better sleep when we are together. She is waking around 5 am to nurse but besides that we sleep pretty soundly.
Let me first say though that I dream often. And they are very vivid dreams. They tend to mess with my state of mind when my sleep is interrupted. I've been known to do and say some crazy nonsensical things.
When I woke up around 2am something just felt off. I can't be sure what woke me but I think it was my MIL closing her door across the hall. The first thing I remember is hearing her coughing. I sat up and instinctively looked over to check on Paige. She had moved, which was strange because I usually wake up to that. But just in case before going to bed I put a pillow over the gap between my mattress and headboard as well as one on the edge of the bed where Josh would normally be laying. She rolled to her tummy and turned herself diagonal with half her head laying on the pillow. Her face was not obstructed and she was looking kind of up so her air flow wasn't a concern. With her crawling and pulling up on things I have been even less worried about her smothering herself and increasingly concerned of her crawling off the bed.
My initial reaction, and what I think all us mothers do no matter how many kids you have, was to watch her back and place my hand on her to make sure she was still breathing. She felt stiff and very still. It's hard to say how much time I allowed to pass. I exhaled, "no!" as I quickly grabbed her and flipped her over. She was like a rag doll. There was only a small amount of light coming in from the cracked door of the bathroom but she seemed pale and unresponsive. I started bouncing her, saying "OMG" over and over, louder and louder each time. I started pushing on her chest as my mind is racing wondering what I should do. Just as I was going to grab her and carry her to the floor in the light where I could get a better assessment and start giving her CPR she slowly turned her head and moved her arms. I have never sighed in relief quite like that before.
Did I just imagine all that? I mean, it happened! But was it what I thought it was? One thing is for sure, it has made me rethink her sleeping arrangements. I've realized how frivolous I am of the whole SIDS prevention thing. Although they say co-sleeping dramatically DEcreases the risk. She's been sleeping in her crib the past hour or so while I wrote this and I have been up to check on her at least 3 times now. I was paranoid before but now I'm terrified!
I don't know what to do. The 2 things she needs to sleep soundly is a blanket and me. She doesn't even nap well unless we are moving (driving around, going on a walk) or being held. She only sleeps in her crib on average about 30 minutes at a time. If we can manage a quiet house she might sleep for a couple hours in there. I am not sure what to do at this point. How can I prevent this from happening again.

He's Home

(full Story to come)

Hardman Homecoming 2 from Amy O'Neal on Vimeo.

Paige New Born (6 days old)

The Birth Story of Molly Paige Hardman

This is a detailed story about the birth of our baby girl Miss Molly Paige. She is the perfect addition to our blended family. She is Mom's 4th baby and Dad's 2nd but our first together. And we could not be more in love with our family!!

The night of Sept 18th contractions increased to every 20 minutes and started to feel like they were making some progress. It had been over a week since my contractions upgraded from Braxton hicks to what I would consider false labor. It made me anxious for things to get going. I have never gone into labor before my due date and this time I could have swore was going to be different. I was wrong... It was already a week past my LMP due date and 3 days after the Dr.'s estimate based on baby's growth (which I thought was a pretty good guess based off past pregnancies). So to go days past it I was starting to consider the possibility that I was going to be pregnant forever.

My mom and dad came to Colorado Springs from SLC, Utah to help get things set up and ready to go almost 3 weeks ago. So we are all getting a bit anxious at this point. My dad has already postponed his planned trip back home. He was supposed to start a training class that Monday. But we had some flooding in the basement due to heavy rain the previous week so he decided it best he stayed to help. And I am so glad he did! He made everything so much more manageable! I don't know what I would have done without both my mom and dad here to help! Most of all they helped keep me sane. Considering the situation I was and have been able to stay in high spirits.

My husband (Josh) has been deployed for over 2 months now. We have really missed him being home with us! The little life inside me has grown a lot since he last felt her kicks. There hasn't been a time I wished he were here with us more than now. I wish he could be here to comfort and support me in what's to come. He has been on stand by for days and is getting more and more anxious. We are lucky to have the technology available over seas that we do today. We will be able to Skype him in for the birth so in a sense he will be there. Because of our circumstances we are able to benefit from a program called Operation Special Delivery (OSD). I have been blessed to have met my doula (Emmy) through this program. It had to be fate for our names to be so similar. ;) Our first and middle are only spelled differently and our last names are off by 2 letters, imagine that! She is so sweet and willing to help. She has already driven 40 minutes each way on a couple occasions just to come and check on me and make sure we had a plan. All without asking for a single penny. I hope that some day I am able to return the favor in one way or another!

That night the rain had finally let up so I decided to head out after the kids went to bed and walk a bit around the neighborhood. For some reason walking changes the way my contractions feel, and not in the way you'd think. They will get closer together but they seem to weaken to the point where I am unsure if I am feeling a contraction or if the baby is just stretching. So after a few laps around the circle I came in to relax. Things seemed to slow down and became less predictable. I decided to head to bed and get what rest I could, I knew the time was near! I had very un-restful sleep. I was dreaming about having contractions or... wait, was that real? I am not sure how often contractions were waking me but it went on all night. I only fully came to once at 3am after a pretty strong one. But I was pretty tired and disoriented, I just went back to bed.

When my alarm went off that morning at 6am, Sept. 19th (Thursday), to get the kids up for school I continued on my normal routine. I got the kids up and fixed them breakfast. Then I sat down to relax while they ate and decided to start timing my contractions. They were about 10 minutes apart, give or take a minute or 2, so they still weren't what I considered consistent. But they were increasing in intensity and I had some bloody show so I went ahead and sent a text to my doula and photographer (Amy) to give the heads up, today is the day! :)

Emmy immediately sent a text back letting me know she was getting up and ready to go and was on her way. Amy let me know she was calling for the sitter (her husband) to head home so she would be ready to roll. Finally it's sinking in that this is really happening. I messaged Josh on Facebook like I do every morning. It was the end of his work day in Kuwait. I told him it's go time, so he headed to his designated spot they already had all set up for him so he could be alone to watch the birth. I decided to keep the kids home from school so there was one less thing to worry about. I continued timing my contractions. By the time Emmy got to the house it was 9am and nothing had changed, still 10 minutes apart. After sitting for a bit we decided to go for a walk. If anything it was just nice to have her as a walking buddy. We walked around the circle a couple of times. Right off I had a couple contractions that increased to every 5 minutes or so but were pretty weak. Then they seemed to stop. So we came back in and I sat/rocked/bounced on the birthing ball for a few and still more nothing. I sat a bit and did a couple things around the house like put in some laundry just to keep moving. It took a bit but things seemed to be kicking back in again. Being that walking seemed to get things going right off we decided to head out for a longer walk this time and seeing what happened. It was about 11:30am. It was a beautiful day! We went to the park and walked around the lake. I only wish we took some pictures. It was a nice walk and I felt amazing and happy. I was ready, no fear! :)

I have gone through stages of feeling prepared for the birth and others of nervousness of the unknown or worse, the known. Natural child birth hurts! That's a given, everyone knows that even if you haven't experienced it yourself. But I feel like because I have done it once already, knowing what's to come made me more nervous at times this pregnancy than I was with my last. I am a stubborn woman so I knew I was going to follow through with my plan for a natural, non intervention delivery. When I set to doing or feeling a certain way if I can help it, it happens. So that's just what I have had to do. I've convinced myself that I am not afraid. I am ready to feel the empowerment. It really does make you feel like super woman!

By the time we got back to the house my leg muscles were twitching from the workout and I had noticed on the walk that my body was starting to tremble a bit but nothing too bad. Contractions were really all over the place some 10 minutes one was 7 minutes and one was even 20 minutes before having another. So Emmy and I were not really convinced quite yet. We discussed her possibly heading out to grab a bite while I lay down and got some rest if things didn't pick up after a bit. I sat on the couch some more... I'm glad she didn't leave cause contractions seemed to be picking up. Amy was getting anxious and so was I so we decided she should head over. It was about 1pm when she got to the house. We chatted for a few, Amy made the suggestion that I go check myself and see what kind of progress I've made. I was dilated to a 3 when I went to the Dr's the Friday before. So I went to the restroom and came out a bit shocked to have felt the baby's head covered with the membrane. I was too nervous to even really find the edge of my cervix after feeling that. But it was enough clarification that this baby is coming! But it was lunch time so my parents made some sandwiches. (Don't you just love that I can go from talking about checking my cervix to eating, lol) It was my plan to make sure I ate before heading to the hospital because I knew they wouldn't let me when I got there and who knows how long I would be in labor but I for some reason didn't want to eat. I had some cereal for breakfast first thing in the morning but haven't had anything since so I should be hungry. Well, it wasn't long after that that I really started to tremble. It was my body basically going into shock. I didn't feel nervous or anything so we knew it was just that the time was near and my body knew it. After having 2 contractions about 5 minutes apart we decided it was go time and we were heading to the hospital.

We loaded all 8 of us in the excursion and off we went. I called the sitter (Judy) to let her know we were on our way. As well as the hospital so they would have my chart ready. We dropped off the kids and got to the hospital at about 3pm. At this point I started losing track of time. Things were happening fast. They walked us back and stuck us all in a waiting room. I think we were all getting a bit nervous about getting to a room in time, or at least I was. I was also concerned about getting Josh up and going on Skype before things really started to happen. I had been sending him updates through Facebook chat all morning but there was no cell service in the hospital so he was probably wondering what was going on. I knew I had to go through triage first and get the 20 minutes of monitoring before I could even go to the delivery room so I was anxious to get things rolling. I am not sure how long we ended up waiting but I am going to say about 20 minutes went by before we saw a nurse to take me to triage. It was a tiny room so they only allowed 1 person to go with me for now. Emmy and I walked across the hall, I was instructed to get changed into whatever I wanted to wear and she would be right back. Right back to her was not right back to Emmy and I. Contractions where really starting to get intense at this point. Emmy was about ready to go out and get someone when the nurse finally came back. She checked my cervix... I'm at a 6. I was surprised I wasn't farther than that cause I knew that this baby was coming and coming soon. At this point I was really starting to tremble, you could see my legs shaking under the sheet. It was getting harder to relax through the contractions. The nurse hooked me up to all the monitors, put in a hep lock, asked me a few questions and left the room. She was very sweet and understanding but I sure wish she would move faster! ;)

After finishing up in there we found out we came just in time because they only had 1 more delivery room available. We walked right across the hall to the first room and I went straight for the bathroom as I requested someone get the others and my computer so we could get Josh up on Skype. It had to of been about 4pm at this point. While in the bathroom I had 4 contractions one right on top of the other. I started wondering if I was going to make it out of there. When I came out the nurse had to ask me more questions to finish getting me admitted. It was extremely hard getting through all that and I could feel my patience waning. I had a couple contractions standing as Emmy used counter pressure on my hips. Then I sat down on the bed. Now things really get blurry. I remember the nurse mentioning she wanted me to get on the monitors again, My initial reaction was, you want me to what!? (yeah right), I really didn't want to! But Emmy started to blow up the birthing ball so I could sit on that next to the monitors in hopes it would be more comfortable than the bed. Sequence of events may not be accurate. But I started saying that I felt the urge to push. The nurse had left the room already so I am not sure who or if someone went out to get someone but I remember everyone coming in, rolling in a table of supplies, and kinda rushing around. The nurse checked me and clarified that I was ready to have a baby. Now this is the point where I had anticipated a bit of a panic moment for myself. I was nervous for the crowning part and the pain I might experience. One thing this experience has taught me is to never have expectations for birth, because no 2 will be exactly the same. Contractions where already worse than I had anticipated so getting the baby out was all I could think about. I was so out of it I had no fear of what was about to happen. All the while Josh is watching from the bedside table, my parents are on the other side in the chairs, Emmy is doing what she can to ensure I am comfortable, and Amy is all around with her equipment trying to get the best shots/angle. The midwife came in and introduced herself and asked how I would like to deliver. I had no clue! I just knew I was not moving. So sitting up in the bed it was. She started to prep the bed and herself. It felt better to push with the contraction just as my body was urging, so I did. first push and my water broke, no it exploded! I was quite shocked. Everyone tells me I had a classic look on my face as I exclaimed, "MY WATER BROKE!". After getting clarification that all was normal (as normal can be). Next contraction I pushed again, out popped the head, and it didn't even hurt! The midwife had just gotten her gloves on and flew across the room to help ease out baby. She kept saying don't push but I couldn't stop. The shoulders came out and I reached down, grabbed my baby and pulled her out and up onto my chest. WOW! that was amazing! It was 4:32 pm. I held her up to the computer so Dad could see and announce the gender. IT'S A GIRL! :) I glanced over at dad and could see him wiping tears.

If you have kept up with this blog you know that I have been stressing over the fact that I wouldn't know who my midwife was until I arrived at the hospital. I had anticipated having some time to discuss my desires with her upon my arrival. But with things happening so fast I hadn't spoken more than a couple sentences to her. One being, "I don't want the baby to get the prophylactic eye ointment!, State law or no state law!" And I asked her not to drop the bed down after telling her I had no plans as far as a birthing position goes. This is another thing I learned. I thought I would be able to decide what I wanted at the time it was needed based on how I felt. I was wrong. If it was not for my midwife reading my birth plan attached to my chart a lot of my desires would have been regrettably lost. I was in no state of mind to be making decisions/requests I was unsure of. I was a bit zoned out and having a hard time thinking about anything past the pain of the contractions. I honestly had no clue the baby was even out as far as she was when the midwife told me to reach down and grab my baby. I think my inner monolog was a bit chaotic there towards the end but everyone told me they had no idea. Apparently I hide pain rather well. ;) I could not have been happier with my experience! I can say the only thing I ended up getting due to "standard procedure" that I initially asked, not without argument, not to have was the Pitocin. Emmy was really on top of it, watching everything going on, she knew it wasn't something I had wanted. She pointed out what they were giving me and I just shrugged it off. Although I don't believe I ended up getting the full dose after I asked if I could take the IV out because the fluid was freezing cold. They knew I was not about to bleed to death as an earlier midwife had told me would happen if I didn't get it (eye roll). Not to say it is not sometimes necessary I just don't believe it should be administered to everyone. I only wanted them to wait and see if I really needed it.

After the midwife finished up the kids were invited in. We called Judy just as I started pushing so the kids would be there to meet their baby sister. I had tried to get Kensey to come for the time my parents were there so she could be there to welcome her first biological sibling but it didn't work out. We are missing her terribly! But the other 3 were so excited that Paige was finally here! Jack had told Judy that he would only like him/her if it was cute... I thought the boys might be a bit disappointed to see she was a girl as they had hoped for a boy. But they were all so happy! Jackson's first words were, "awww she's so cute!" It's a good thing. ;) Gage kinda stood back and just observed for a little bit, which is so like him, with all the commotion going on and cameras he's not one to draw attention to himself. MaryJane was interested but not willing to hold her quite yet. When she gets in emotional situations she tends to shut down a bit and won't talk much. Jackson was all over it! He was ooing and ahing, rubbing and kissing her head. All 3 of them had a look about their face. It was instant sibling love. When the baby was taken over to the warming table to be weighed and measured the kids followed. She was 7 pounds 15 ounces and 20 inches long. The kids watched the nurse do her foot prints and helped give her a bath before everyone got there turn to cuddle her. Gage was so excited to hold her. Then he was able to be the one to push her in her bassinet to the recovery room. He was feeling pretty cool! Then Jackson got his turn to hold her. MaryJane didn't want to hold her till we got home but since then she is always asking. She's such a huge help and a natural little mommy!

Recovery was painless and easy for baby and mom. I did have a 2nd degree tear that was repaired but I hardly noticed. The baby had pooped immediately after birth and about 3 more times after that before even going to the recovery room. So we knew things were working properly. She nursed only minutes after her arrival and has been going strong. All her scores where high, her color was pink and perfectly beautiful! <3 We went home the very next day. And I was happy for that. It was a bit lonely in the hospital. I had a few visitors (Kelly, Stephanie, and Misty) but I spent the majority of the time just miss Molly Paige and I. Josh and I had tried to Skype that morning (Colorado time) but there just wasn't a good enough connection to get any conversation in. He at least got to see a little of his baby girl though. :) My parents were taking care of the big kids and picking up the last few things we needed to bring the baby home. I missed the kids and a comfy bed. The day after her birth Josh had a flag flown at Camp Patriot in Kuwait in her honor. They had a ceremony, folded and presented the flag with a certificate. Representing the sacrifices Josh, Molly Paige and our family go through in this military life... <3 Could not be happier! My heart is over flowing!! <3

Molly Paige Hardman from Amy O'Neal on Vimeo.

Another concern I had leading up to the birth was post partum depression. With Josh being gone it was a big concern because I am used to having the baby blues so I knew it was a real possibility. I did my research and decided anything was worth a try to head off even the chance of feeling the way many women do after birth. If this is something you want to hear about, maybe would like to try, definitely get in touch with me! :) So many benefits! and it works!!

Due Date

I am officially 40 weeks pregnant today, based off the growth of the baby at the 20 week ultrasound. Since they started measuring my belly I have always been a week or more ahead. The midwife I saw last week thinks the baby will be very long and weighs near 8 lbs right now. I don't feel that big though and everyone tells me how small I am. Strangers look at me and say... "boy" just based on how high I carry. But we will see... :) I can't wait for his/her head to be resting on my chest. I tend to go straight to picturing a little girl though so we will see if my intuition is correct. So far I am 0 for 3 so I'm not really great on that. ;)

I really thought I would have had him/her by now. I was showing a lot of signs and I ended up letting the midwife strip my membranes which she did a really good job on! I don't ever remember it feeling quite like that. Contractions are stronger and I am feeling a lot of pressure, things just won't kick in and get to be consistent. Based on my past pregnancies I have been pretty confident that the 15th was a good EDD. I have always gone off my LMP as far as due dates go. And if that were the case here I would have been due on the 11th. Gage, I was induced 5 days late due to early signs of preeclampsia so I am not sure how much longer I would have gone. Jack, I went into labor 4 days late. MJ was exactly a week late. But I felt like I was in labor for a good week or 2 before things got serious. So maybe that is the case here as well. So, soon, very soon.

I am also wondering if my body is reacting to somewhat of a fight-or-flight response. It doesn't see the current situation as being safe for the baby. My stress level is a bit high even though I would say I am fairly calm considering. So it's stalling things a bit. Josh is gone... which is a huge bummer! But my parents are here and have helped out a ton getting things as ready as can be. I also have some great friends and family that have helped out a ton in getting some of the things I need! But I still don't feel as prepared as I am used to, mostly because we saved the gender for surprise. A lot of shopping will have to be done following his/her arrival (clothes, nursery décor). Then the most recent set back being all this flooding. Colorado is getting more rain in a day than they normally get in a whole year! It's just crazy! There are people that have it MUCH worse than I, even losing their lives. But having to deal with a flooded basement now 2 separate times is a bit more than I had hoped to deal with the week I'm due to have a baby! My house is torn apart. Not the most favorable atmosphere to bring a baby home to. Luckily my dad delayed his trip home and I have great landlords so things are getting taken care of.

I am ready! Surprisingly this 3rd trimester has been pretty easy going. I have not had near the discomfort I was anticipating. That is till now. My ribs ache so bad and my sciatic nerve and back is so sensitive to any kind of excessive house work. I took the pool down the other day and hurt for 2 days like I had just moved a whole house.

I have been drinking lots of raspberry leaf tea and I'm walking when I can (if the rain will ever stop). Things are happening... including my past weeks weight gain of 5 lbs. Thanks to my dad and his sweet tooth. ;)

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Going home outfits, picked out with love by Miss MaryJane

Maturnity Pics